All Things Hockey In The Carolinas

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Forced Into Early Retirement

If the sound of crickets didn't give it away - this blog is not currently active with new posts. Dave & East of Here continue to sling their puck-wit, it just stays in the privacy of their own respective crowds.

Thank you to all who read, linked and commented here over the years.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Atlanta Trade Deal Sends Lehtonen to Stars, Rest of Team to Jim Balsille

Dateline Atlanta

Atlanta Thrashers GM Don Waddell today traded goaltender Kari Lehtonen to the Dallas Stars for defenseman Ivan Vishnevskiy and a fourth-round selection in the 2010 Entry Draft. However, in a stunning move just hours later, Waddell then traded the rest of the team to Jim Balsille for 7 pounds of dried moose jerky, 11 cured beaver pelts and a burlap sack of loose cash. The full terms of the deal are not yet known, but the deal reportedly includes not only the entire current Thrashers roster, but also Phillips Arena, both zambonis, all 8 hot dog carts, all 16 immigrant cleaning staff personnel, 4 stockrooms of unsold miscellaneous Thrasher merchandise, and just about everything else associated with, or owned by the Atlanta Thrashers organization. "It's pretty much the whole kit and kaboodle" said a source inside the organization who requested anonymity so people would not associate him with the Atlanta Thrashers.

It had been initially rumored among several league sources that upon hearing of the trade, Gary Bettman's head actually exploded. However, this rumor was quickly debunked by the league office, which released a statement containing technical data illustrating that Gary Bettman's head was, in fact, big and malleable enough to contain any potential explosions without damage. Calls to the league office requesting further comment on this technical data were not returned.

In a short press release, however, the Thrashers explained the rationale for the unexpected move. "While we know that today's decision to trade the entire team to Jim Balsille may come as a shock to all 16 members of our core fanbase, with the recent departure of Ilya Kovalchuk what's the point in even trying anymore? As a token of our appreciation to the dozens of fans who have attended Thrashers games over the years, we will be having a buy 1 get 4 free sale on official Thrashers jerseys from 6 am to noon, each remaining Saturday in February at booth number 23 at Flea Market USA, conveniently located at 1919 Metropolitan Parkway Southwest. Come early, come all."

Another source close to the situation indicated that the deal nearly fell through, when Balsille balked at Waddell's initial demand of 8 pounds of moose jerky - one pound for each owner. However, both sides eventually were able to agree on 7 pounds, when part owner Steve Belkin agreed to retain 2 unopened boxes of 'Skittles' from unsold snackbar inventory, in lieu of his pound of jerky.

New owner Balsille, owner of Research in Motion, quickly expressed his delight with the trade. "Today I am proud to report that I have acquired the Atlanta Thrashers in a pre-deadline trade. I know that many current owners and GM's will say that I overpaid in this trade, but there are times when one has to have the cajones to just go out there and take what one wants, costs be damned. Oh, and UP YOURS, Bettman!!!" Balsille also unveiled a new "Third Jersey" that will be worn by the team for the remainder of the year:

It has also been widely rumored that the new owner has expressed interest in petitioning the league to change the name of the team from the "Thrashers" to the "Blackberries". But this rumor has not yet been confirmed.

The trade has also fueled speculation that Balsille's acquisition of the team is a precursor to the team being relocated to Canada. When asked about this possibility in a telephone interview this afternoon, Balsille indicated that such talk was premature, as he has not yet had time to complete a feasibility study on disassembling Phillips Arena and having it trucked to Hamilton, Ontario for reassembly. "I'm told that all those hicks down there live in little tin houses on wheels" said Balsille. "While it stands to reason that they would use their same primitive construction methods in their stadiums, our technical personnel have not yet been able to get down there and pull the underpinning off the building to assess the condition of the axles. Plus, I'm sure we would need some construction permits, a really big truck and a big-ass license plate before we could drag that puppy back up to Canada. Such an undertaking would take a couple of weeks at least."

In a related story, the NHL today unexpectedly received a new bid to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. The league office would not release any details as to the potential buyer or other terms of the deal. However, a source familiar with the proposal has indicated that the sale would be contingent upon the league approving the team's relocation to Cupertino, California and changing the team name from the Coyotes to the "iPucks".

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sweet Jesus! They've done it again...

Yep. It's the bobblehead thing. Again.

What is with this team? I know, I know... It's a bobblehead, it isn't supposed to look exactly like the player. But shouldn't it at least look a little like the player?

As you will recall, I have previously delved into the subject of Canes bobbleheads. And I've discovered that lately, they appear to be modeled after various political figures. The most glaring example was that of Cam Ward's bobblehead:

Well, as you can see, the Cam Ward bobblehead was clearly modeled after Barack Obama. There's just no denying it. But what the hell? Given Obama's popularity back then, I guess it helped marketing. But I wonder if there was not some backlash over this.

Let's face it: The South is generally a conservative area. And the Canes are located well below the Mason-Dixon line. So maybe modeling Hurricane bobbleheads after a black socialist wasn't such a hot idea after all. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I am a conspiratorial kinda guy. So I am thinking that maybe the Ocama bobblehead might've drawn Gale Force Holdings some complaints. I suggest this, because what other explanation could there be for their latest foray into bobblehead-dom?

In case you haven't seen it, the Canes have now released their first soon-to-be-found-on-EBay chotchke of the year. It is an Eric Cole bobblehead. Of course, one has to wonder about the irony/symbolism of making a bobblehead of a guy that broke his neck a coupla years ago, but I digress...

The point of this diatribe/conspiracy theory is that apparently, the Canes have decided that they needed to be "Fair and Balanced". Maybe practice a little bobblehead fairness doctrine. Because they sure went the other way with the Cole chotchke. Yep, you guessed it. The Cole chotchke is the spitting image of George W. Bush:

Seriously. Maybe you think I am nuts, but this CAN NOT be a coincidence. Two bobbleheads - Two presidents. Think about it.

Of course, there are other possibilities. Given how bad this season is going for the Canes, maybe they had other subliminal messages in mind:

I'll let you decide...

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Fail... The final frontier.
These are the follies of the Carolina Hurricanes.
Their '09 mission is:
To give up strange, new soft goals,
To commit new turnovers, new defensive breakdowns...
To boldly FAIL like no team has FAILED before!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

It is Official: The Canes are the worst team in the NHL

11 in a row. Lost to the Leafs. Epic Fail.

Monday, October 12, 2009

NHL Awards 2010 Hart Trophy to Barack Obama

Dateline New York
October 12, 2009

In a stunning development, the NHL on Sunday announced that it has awarded the 2009/2010 Hart Trophy to current U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama seemed shocked by his selection for this award when he gave a prepared statement to the media at a press conference in the White House press room this morning. “This was not something that I was expecting - something that I was expecting. However, I am humbled by this honor, and hope that ... um ... I can live up to whatever ideals ... um... for which this... this award stands. I’d like to sincerely thank the NHA for this honor. Pause for applause, nod at camera and smile humbly. Oh, sorry. Dammit Rahm! Did you put that on my teleprompter?”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to defend President Obama’s selection as this year's league MVP. “I know that there is a vast right wing conspiracy that will try to capitalize on the fact that until receiving this award, President Obama was not even aware that the NBL still existed. However, the truth is that the President has DirecTV, which doesn’t carry Versus. Therefore, in the unlikely event that the President had been made aware that a professional hockey game was occurring, he couldn’t have watched the game anyway; even if he had wanted to. Those despicable conservatives will stoop to any level to try to cheapen this awe inspiring, and well deserved achievement by our President.”

However, not everyone was as enthusiastic with Obama’s selection. “I think it’s perplexing”, said Carolina Hurricanes General Manager Jim Rutherford. “I understand that the league is focused on maximizing its exposure in the U.S. market. And I understand that it was a great accomplishment for Barack Obama to become the first black president of the United States. I can certainly respect that. But, this seems mighty premature to me. I mean, the season has just started and Obama doesn’t even play the game! If the league wanted to make some sort of international or racial statement by awarding the Hart Trophy to a guy who's dad was African and who wasn’t born in the United States, they could’ve just given it to Jerome Iginla.”

Despite the furor, Commissioner Gary Bettman was adamant that the selection was appropriate. “The selection of President Obama for this award is in recognition for the many, many great things that he has yet to do for this sport over the years. And while he has never actually played the game, or even watched a game, he nonetheless has the potential to someday play hockey. And if he were to ever decide to play, we just know his play would surely be deserving of this award. Therefore, we hope that this award inspires him to someday actually try hockey, or maybe at least catch a game on television if he should happen to find himself in one of the few cable markets where Versus is available. Also, since he is from Chicago, his selection dovetails nicely with the league’s ongoing efforts to promote Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, the young stars of the Chicago Blackhawks, as they help resurrect that once proud franchise.”

This explanation did not satisfy some conservative pundits, such as Fox News’ Glenn Beck. “It’s just not right!” said an emotional Beck. “Isn’t hockey that obscure Canadian sport? If anything, a U.S. President should be getting a nice Capitalistic award like the Cy Young, not some socialist Canadian trophy.” Beck then dabbed his eyes and sobbed, “I’m sorry. I’m just a Patriot who loves his country.”

Last year’s recipient, Washington Capitals Forward Alexander Ovechkin, was mysteriously detained by immigration officials at Dulles International Airport on Sunday evening, and was unavailable for comment as of press time.