Atlanta Trade Deal Sends Lehtonen to Stars, Rest of Team to Jim Balsille

Dateline Atlanta

Atlanta Thrashers GM Don Waddell today traded goaltender Kari Lehtonen to the Dallas Stars for defenseman Ivan Vishnevskiy and a fourth-round selection in the 2010 Entry Draft. However, in a stunning move just hours later, Waddell then traded the rest of the team to Jim Balsille for 7 pounds of dried moose jerky, 11 cured beaver pelts and a burlap sack of loose cash. The full terms of the deal are not yet known, but the deal reportedly includes not only the entire current Thrashers roster, but also Phillips Arena, both zambonis, all 8 hot dog carts, all 16 immigrant cleaning staff personnel, 4 stockrooms of unsold miscellaneous Thrasher merchandise, and just about everything else associated with, or owned by the Atlanta Thrashers organization. "It's pretty much the whole kit and kaboodle" said a source inside the organization who requested anonymity so people would not associate him with the Atlanta Thrashers.

It had been initially rumored among several league sources that upon hearing of the trade, Gary Bettman's head actually exploded. However, this rumor was quickly debunked by the league office, which released a statement containing technical data illustrating that Gary Bettman's head was, in fact, big and malleable enough to contain any potential explosions without damage. Calls to the league office requesting further comment on this technical data were not returned.

In a short press release, however, the Thrashers explained the rationale for the unexpected move. "While we know that today's decision to trade the entire team to Jim Balsille may come as a shock to all 16 members of our core fanbase, with the recent departure of Ilya Kovalchuk what's the point in even trying anymore? As a token of our appreciation to the dozens of fans who have attended Thrashers games over the years, we will be having a buy 1 get 4 free sale on official Thrashers jerseys from 6 am to noon, each remaining Saturday in February at booth number 23 at Flea Market USA, conveniently located at 1919 Metropolitan Parkway Southwest. Come early, come all."

Another source close to the situation indicated that the deal nearly fell through, when Balsille balked at Waddell's initial demand of 8 pounds of moose jerky - one pound for each owner. However, both sides eventually were able to agree on 7 pounds, when part owner Steve Belkin agreed to retain 2 unopened boxes of 'Skittles' from unsold snackbar inventory, in lieu of his pound of jerky.

New owner Balsille, owner of Research in Motion, quickly expressed his delight with the trade. "Today I am proud to report that I have acquired the Atlanta Thrashers in a pre-deadline trade. I know that many current owners and GM's will say that I overpaid in this trade, but there are times when one has to have the cajones to just go out there and take what one wants, costs be damned. Oh, and UP YOURS, Bettman!!!" Balsille also unveiled a new "Third Jersey" that will be worn by the team for the remainder of the year:


It has also been widely rumored that the new owner has expressed interest in petitioning the league to change the name of the team from the "Thrashers" to the "Blackberries". But this rumor has not yet been confirmed.

The trade has also fueled speculation that Balsille's acquisition of the team is a precursor to the team being relocated to Canada. When asked about this possibility in a telephone interview this afternoon, Balsille indicated that such talk was premature, as he has not yet had time to complete a feasibility study on disassembling Phillips Arena and having it trucked to Hamilton, Ontario for reassembly. "I'm told that all those hicks down there live in little tin houses on wheels" said Balsille. "While it stands to reason that they would use their same primitive construction methods in their stadiums, our technical personnel have not yet been able to get down there and pull the underpinning off the building to assess the condition of the axles. Plus, I'm sure we would need some construction permits, a really big truck and a big-ass license plate before we could drag that puppy back up to Canada. Such an undertaking would take a couple of weeks at least."

In a related story, the NHL today unexpectedly received a new bid to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. The league office would not release any details as to the potential buyer or other terms of the deal. However, a source familiar with the proposal has indicated that the sale would be contingent upon the league approving the team's relocation to Cupertino, California and changing the team name from the Coyotes to the "iPucks".

NHL Awards 2010 Hart Trophy to Barack Obama

Dateline New York
October 12, 2009

In a stunning development, the NHL on Sunday announced that it has awarded the 2009/2010 Hart Trophy to current U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama seemed shocked by his selection for this award when he gave a prepared statement to the media at a press conference in the White House press room this morning. “This was not something that I was expecting - something that I was expecting. However, I am humbled by this honor, and hope that ... um ... I can live up to whatever ideals ... um... for which this... this award stands. I’d like to sincerely thank the NHA for this honor. Pause for applause, nod at camera and smile humbly. Oh, sorry. Dammit Rahm! Did you put that on my teleprompter?”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to defend President Obama’s selection as this year's league MVP. “I know that there is a vast right wing conspiracy that will try to capitalize on the fact that until receiving this award, President Obama was not even aware that the NBL still existed. However, the truth is that the President has DirecTV, which doesn’t carry Versus. Therefore, in the unlikely event that the President had been made aware that a professional hockey game was occurring, he couldn’t have watched the game anyway; even if he had wanted to. Those despicable conservatives will stoop to any level to try to cheapen this awe inspiring, and well deserved achievement by our President.”

However, not everyone was as enthusiastic with Obama’s selection. “I think it’s perplexing”, said Carolina Hurricanes General Manager Jim Rutherford. “I understand that the league is focused on maximizing its exposure in the U.S. market. And I understand that it was a great accomplishment for Barack Obama to become the first black president of the United States. I can certainly respect that. But, this seems mighty premature to me. I mean, the season has just started and Obama doesn’t even play the game! If the league wanted to make some sort of international or racial statement by awarding the Hart Trophy to a guy who's dad was African and who wasn’t born in the United States, they could’ve just given it to Jerome Iginla.”

Despite the furor, Commissioner Gary Bettman was adamant that the selection was appropriate. “The selection of President Obama for this award is in recognition for the many, many great things that he has yet to do for this sport over the years. And while he has never actually played the game, or even watched a game, he nonetheless has the potential to someday play hockey. And if he were to ever decide to play, we just know his play would surely be deserving of this award. Therefore, we hope that this award inspires him to someday actually try hockey, or maybe at least catch a game on television if he should happen to find himself in one of the few cable markets where Versus is available. Also, since he is from Chicago, his selection dovetails nicely with the league’s ongoing efforts to promote Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, the young stars of the Chicago Blackhawks, as they help resurrect that once proud franchise.”

This explanation did not satisfy some conservative pundits, such as Fox News’ Glenn Beck. “It’s just not right!” said an emotional Beck. “Isn’t hockey that obscure Canadian sport? If anything, a U.S. President should be getting a nice Capitalistic award like the Cy Young, not some socialist Canadian trophy.” Beck then dabbed his eyes and sobbed, “I’m sorry. I’m just a Patriot who loves his country.”

Last year’s recipient, Washington Capitals Forward Alexander Ovechkin, was mysteriously detained by immigration officials at Dulles International Airport on Sunday evening, and was unavailable for comment as of press time.

COI "Not Quite on Topic" Bettman Art

Okay. I admit it. I just can't give Bettman enough credit to photoshop his little head onto a picture of Batman or [insert random superhero] here. I had to give him his due. But what the hell! Even though they are not exactly what the contest was looking for, they were just funny enough to me that I had to submit them just for sh*ts and giggles. So here are my takes on what a Bettman photoshop should look like:



Or maybe:

Damn the resemblance is uncanny on that last one! I've always wanted to do that one. It just seemed so natural...

COI Contributions to the Puck Daddy Gary Bettman Photoshop Expo

G-Dubs of Yahoo!'s Puck Daddy has a rather brilliant "photoshop the NHL Commish Gary Bettman contest" going on. Here's what I've sent in so far. If you get the urge - email your submissions to Puckdaddyblog@yahoo.com. All entries due by August 1st.

Ovechkin Eliminated from Playoffs; Bettman Cancels Remainder of 2008 NHL Playoffs; Awards Cup to Ottawa Senators Instead

Dateline: Toronto

In a move unprecedented in professional sports, the NHL today cancelled the remainder of the Stanley Cup Playoffs; opting instead to simply award the Stanley Cup to the Ottawa Senators next Tuesday. “Going forward, we just felt that this move was the best course for both the league and its fans”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "Without Ovechkin to look forward to, there's nothing left that's worth seeing. And without that magnificent Russian scoring machine, what will the NHL beat writers possibly write about. Who in their right mind would want to read a hockey article that wasn't all about the wonderful Ovechkin? Certainly not me..."

As for awarding the cup to Ottawa, Bettman said it just felt like the right thing to do. "They've got such talented players and they've worked so hard. You just feel bad for them. Plus, they are a Canadian team, so the vast majority of our fanbase will be somewhat pleased. Just think what would've happened to me if I'd just given the cup back to those NASCAR loving hicks in Carolina", remarked Bettman. "You'd find my burned out carcass nailed to a tree outside of Moose Twat, British Columbia if I'd done that. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give Lord Stanley's cereal bowl to those quiche eating surrender monkeys in Quebec either."

However, some NHL owners and General Managers were visibly outraged. “I think this really stinks”, said Cliff Fletcher, Interim General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. “If any team deserves to just be handed the Stanley Cup, it is the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s not like we have the talent to win it by ourselves. Jesus, our coach is Paul Maurice for god’s sake. But Ottawa? Their Captain is from Sweden and their Goaltender is friggin Swiss! I’d rather see my daughter in a whorehouse than see Daniel Alfredsson’s name on our cup.” Fletcher bristled at the suggestion that the Maple Leaf’s Captain was also Swedish. “That’s a lie! This is Mats Sundin you’re talking about! Sundin not Sedin! How dare you criticize Mats Sundin! Mats Sundin is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie. All he’s ever done is given his heart and soul to our beloved Maple Leafs, and you reward him by questioning his Canadian heritage? Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!!!” Future Maple Leafs GM Jim Rutherford had no comment on the cancellation, but did mutter something unintelligible about Peter Laviolette, a tire iron and a garbage dumpster.

Other General Managers were also perplexed by the move. “I don’t know how the league can just arbitrarily award the Stanley Cup to some team other than the Red Wings”, said Detroit General Manager Ken Holland. “If the cup belongs anywhere, it is in Detroit. It’s a natural fit: Detroit is known worldwide as ‘Hockey Town’. And this place is such a crime infested sh*thole, we could use any help we can get to take our residents’ mind off the high unemployment rate and the rest of their miserable existence. By the way, you aren’t going to print that last part are you?”

Montreal Canadiens coach Guy Carbonneau also weighed in strongly on the matter, saying: "Rezendez vous, parlez vous, voulez vous couche' avec moi, ce soi. Chateau Marcel Marceau escargot. Oui, oui mon cherie. Quiche vichyssoise! Inspector Clouseau. American pig dog! Ptooey!". He then smeared white makeup on his face, put on a black outfit with a striped shirt and funny hat, and tried to storm silently out of the room; but was thwarted when he encountered what appeared to be a very strong headwind. Unable to make headway, he became temporarily trapped in what might've been a glass box, before slowly pulling himself out of the room by means of an apparently invisible rope.

Oddly, Buffalo Sabres coach, Lindy Ruff’s response to the news was uncharacteristically calm: “This is B*llsh*T!!!” roared Ruff. “$#@%! *&%^, #*&#, *&%#ing bleep! We *&%#ing sucked way *&%#ing worse than those arrogant *&%#ing Ottawa Senators did! In fact, they were so *&%#ing arrogant they had *&%#ing champagne in their *&%#ing lockerroom before game four against the *&%#ing Penguins. They *&%#ing knew they were going to be awarded the *&%#ing cup. The league *&%#ing hates us. Everybody *&%#ing hates us. We get no *&%#ing respect. Their all out to get us. Well I'll just have somebody take out Spezza's knee or Heatley's achilles tendon and see how they *&%#ing like it. That's old time hockey right there. How Ottawa gets a cup without even putting a skate in the crease is beyond me. *&%# off and die!"

This unexpected cancellation comes on the immediate heels of the Philadelphia Flyer’s overtime, game-seven defeat of the Washington Capitals and the corresponding elimination of the NHL’s new poster boy Alexander Ovechkin. But despite increasingly strong outcries from the players and team executives to continue the playoffs as scheduled, the league remained firm in it’s position. “I mean, without Alexander Ovechkin in the mix, what’s the point”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sure, Sidney Crosby was still in the hunt, but he’s like so ‘last year’. That’s not to knock Sid or anything. He’s still got those juicy lips and a wicked wrist shot, but let’s face it; he’s no Alex Ovechkin. With that nut-hair beard and Russian accent, Ovi’s so dreamy I could just scream. And besides, given the NHL’s abysmal Nielson ratings, and the fact that Versus is only available in 16 U.S. households, it’s not like anybody will notice the difference anyway. ”

The Commissioner’s attempts to justify the action did little to allay the ire of angry team officials. “So this whole thing was because Gary went and got himself all butthurt that his Russian boy toy got eliminated?” stormed Leafs GM Fletcher. Well, we’ve got a Russian too, but I didn’t see that rat faced little bastard cancelling the season back in January when the Leafs were out of contention! Hell, you want Russian? How about Alexei Ponikarovsky? You can’t get anymore Russian than ‘Alexei Ponikarovsky’. Sh*t fire, I'll bet every one of you a shiny new quarter with a beaver on the back that you can't even pronounce Ponikarovsky! Hell, ‘Alexander’ could be damn near anything, except maybe Chinese or Korean. But Alexei? ... THAT’s pure Russian.” When asked his thoughts on Fletcher's Russian theory, Rutherford simply smiled and said, "Samsonov".

Meanwhile, the sporadic cable network Versus scrambled to fill its now vacant evening lineup. “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘scrambling’”, remarked Jamie Davis, President of Versus Network. “We’ve got plenty of PBR Bullriding footage that’s just begging to be aired. And we’ve got years of old Tour de France highlights that we can, uh... recycle, pardon the pun. While we here at Versus are deeply disappointed that we will not have any more exciting NHL action to broadcast this spring; we are excited about the huge increase in ratings that PBR Bullriding and pre-recorded European Bicycling are sure to garner in these time slots.”

Did He Say, "Bring Out The Gimp" ?

First off, congratulations to the new Stanley Cup Champs.

Anaheim played solid all regular season and proved they had "Whatever It Takes" to win it all. A strong team effort provided them with their first Cup in their 14 year history and California's first NHL championship.

But what the hell is wrong with Gary Bettman? In what other sport does the commissioner come out with a dorky, rehearsed speech that sounds the same every year as the championship trophy is presented? Is it really necessary? Nobody wants to hear him. Captain Niedermayer was almost just as impatient with Bettman as Brind'amour was last year.

When the Commish was being introduced over the PA at the Pond last night, people started to boo. His response?

"It's OK, bring out the gimp"

What a loser! Does he have epilepsy? I believe he had 3 blinks per second during his speech. I'd rather have Alanis Morrissette out there presenting the Cup than that stumbling, bumbling fool!