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Ovechkin Eliminated from Playoffs; Bettman Cancels Remainder of 2008 NHL Playoffs; Awards Cup to Ottawa Senators Instead

Dateline: Toronto

In a move unprecedented in professional sports, the NHL today cancelled the remainder of the Stanley Cup Playoffs; opting instead to simply award the Stanley Cup to the Ottawa Senators next Tuesday. “Going forward, we just felt that this move was the best course for both the league and its fans”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "Without Ovechkin to look forward to, there's nothing left that's worth seeing. And without that magnificent Russian scoring machine, what will the NHL beat writers possibly write about. Who in their right mind would want to read a hockey article that wasn't all about the wonderful Ovechkin? Certainly not me..."

As for awarding the cup to Ottawa, Bettman said it just felt like the right thing to do. "They've got such talented players and they've worked so hard. You just feel bad for them. Plus, they are a Canadian team, so the vast majority of our fanbase will be somewhat pleased. Just think what would've happened to me if I'd just given the cup back to those NASCAR loving hicks in Carolina", remarked Bettman. "You'd find my burned out carcass nailed to a tree outside of Moose Twat, British Columbia if I'd done that. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give Lord Stanley's cereal bowl to those quiche eating surrender monkeys in Quebec either."

However, some NHL owners and General Managers were visibly outraged. “I think this really stinks”, said Cliff Fletcher, Interim General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. “If any team deserves to just be handed the Stanley Cup, it is the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s not like we have the talent to win it by ourselves. Jesus, our coach is Paul Maurice for god’s sake. But Ottawa? Their Captain is from Sweden and their Goaltender is friggin Swiss! I’d rather see my daughter in a whorehouse than see Daniel Alfredsson’s name on our cup.” Fletcher bristled at the suggestion that the Maple Leaf’s Captain was also Swedish. “That’s a lie! This is Mats Sundin you’re talking about! Sundin not Sedin! How dare you criticize Mats Sundin! Mats Sundin is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie. All he’s ever done is given his heart and soul to our beloved Maple Leafs, and you reward him by questioning his Canadian heritage? Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!!!” Future Maple Leafs GM Jim Rutherford had no comment on the cancellation, but did mutter something unintelligible about Peter Laviolette, a tire iron and a garbage dumpster.

Other General Managers were also perplexed by the move. “I don’t know how the league can just arbitrarily award the Stanley Cup to some team other than the Red Wings”, said Detroit General Manager Ken Holland. “If the cup belongs anywhere, it is in Detroit. It’s a natural fit: Detroit is known worldwide as ‘Hockey Town’. And this place is such a crime infested sh*thole, we could use any help we can get to take our residents’ mind off the high unemployment rate and the rest of their miserable existence. By the way, you aren’t going to print that last part are you?”

Montreal Canadiens coach Guy Carbonneau also weighed in strongly on the matter, saying: "Rezendez vous, parlez vous, voulez vous couche' avec moi, ce soi. Chateau Marcel Marceau escargot. Oui, oui mon cherie. Quiche vichyssoise! Inspector Clouseau. American pig dog! Ptooey!". He then smeared white makeup on his face, put on a black outfit with a striped shirt and funny hat, and tried to storm silently out of the room; but was thwarted when he encountered what appeared to be a very strong headwind. Unable to make headway, he became temporarily trapped in what might've been a glass box, before slowly pulling himself out of the room by means of an apparently invisible rope.

Oddly, Buffalo Sabres coach, Lindy Ruff’s response to the news was uncharacteristically calm: “This is B*llsh*T!!!” roared Ruff. “$#@%! *&%^, #*&#, *&%#ing bleep! We *&%#ing sucked way *&%#ing worse than those arrogant *&%#ing Ottawa Senators did! In fact, they were so *&%#ing arrogant they had *&%#ing champagne in their *&%#ing lockerroom before game four against the *&%#ing Penguins. They *&%#ing knew they were going to be awarded the *&%#ing cup. The league *&%#ing hates us. Everybody *&%#ing hates us. We get no *&%#ing respect. Their all out to get us. Well I'll just have somebody take out Spezza's knee or Heatley's achilles tendon and see how they *&%#ing like it. That's old time hockey right there. How Ottawa gets a cup without even putting a skate in the crease is beyond me. *&%# off and die!"

This unexpected cancellation comes on the immediate heels of the Philadelphia Flyer’s overtime, game-seven defeat of the Washington Capitals and the corresponding elimination of the NHL’s new poster boy Alexander Ovechkin. But despite increasingly strong outcries from the players and team executives to continue the playoffs as scheduled, the league remained firm in it’s position. “I mean, without Alexander Ovechkin in the mix, what’s the point”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sure, Sidney Crosby was still in the hunt, but he’s like so ‘last year’. That’s not to knock Sid or anything. He’s still got those juicy lips and a wicked wrist shot, but let’s face it; he’s no Alex Ovechkin. With that nut-hair beard and Russian accent, Ovi’s so dreamy I could just scream. And besides, given the NHL’s abysmal Nielson ratings, and the fact that Versus is only available in 16 U.S. households, it’s not like anybody will notice the difference anyway. ”

The Commissioner’s attempts to justify the action did little to allay the ire of angry team officials. “So this whole thing was because Gary went and got himself all butthurt that his Russian boy toy got eliminated?” stormed Leafs GM Fletcher. Well, we’ve got a Russian too, but I didn’t see that rat faced little bastard cancelling the season back in January when the Leafs were out of contention! Hell, you want Russian? How about Alexei Ponikarovsky? You can’t get anymore Russian than ‘Alexei Ponikarovsky’. Sh*t fire, I'll bet every one of you a shiny new quarter with a beaver on the back that you can't even pronounce Ponikarovsky! Hell, ‘Alexander’ could be damn near anything, except maybe Chinese or Korean. But Alexei? ... THAT’s pure Russian.” When asked his thoughts on Fletcher's Russian theory, Rutherford simply smiled and said, "Samsonov".

Meanwhile, the sporadic cable network Versus scrambled to fill its now vacant evening lineup. “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘scrambling’”, remarked Jamie Davis, President of Versus Network. “We’ve got plenty of PBR Bullriding footage that’s just begging to be aired. And we’ve got years of old Tour de France highlights that we can, uh... recycle, pardon the pun. While we here at Versus are deeply disappointed that we will not have any more exciting NHL action to broadcast this spring; we are excited about the huge increase in ratings that PBR Bullriding and pre-recorded European Bicycling are sure to garner in these time slots.”

Stop the Hate: Anti-Cane Bias in the Media!

For a while, I've been noticing a serious lack of respect and just outright laziness when it comes to coverage of the Hurricanes. I know we aren't an original 6 team. I know we aren't located in New York. I know we aren't located in Canada. But jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, you'd think the media hacks could at least do a little research or avoid taking unnecessary potshots at us in random articles. Are there any journalistic standards anymore? You'd think (and you'd be wrong) that any hockey writer (and/or sports publication) would have heard of Eric Staal by now. He's been in the league for 5 years now. He played a big part in winning the Stanley Cup a couple of years ago. In fact, he won the All Star MVP this year. He's got 2 brothers excelling in the league, and another on the way. But somehow, Sports Illustrated can't spell "Staal" correctly?

Sure, Eric "Stall" isn't that important a player in the NHL, but you'll note that they made damn sure they got "Ovechkin" right. For Pete's sake, how long does it take to look up "Staal". Hell, if you type "Eric Stall" into Google, it will friggin tell you to see "Eric Staal". The kid wins All Star MVP, and S.I. (Sports Ignoramuses) is too busy blowing the Ovenchicken to take a second to spell "Staal" correctly. Jeeez. And you've got to love the heading: "Kennedy: NHL gets YoungStars game right" . Well, how about getting an NHL young star's name right? ...Jackasses...

And for good measure, let's see what TSN is up to. Oh yeah, they are taking shots as well:

Yes, I know what they meant. But half that equation is a direct swipe at John Grahame. And it's just unnecessary to the article. Hell, it isn't even that funny a quip, and I don't even LIKE John Grahame. I know, I know... TSN is Canadian and they have the Cup Envy real bad. And it's a mortal insult that TB and the Canes won (essentially) back-to-back Stanley Cups over (dare I say it?) *gasp* Canadian teams. But you'd think that if they truly had a love for the game of hockey, rather than just some nationalistic hard-on for a geographic location, they would not stoop to taking swipes at teams/players that are sporting SC bling just because their beloved 'local' teams can't get it done.

And finally, here is the worst of all. Our own local media is getting into the act. The other day, I am perusing the news on WRAL-dot-com (I'm not trying to be cute with the "dot-com" nonsense, I just ain't linking to those traitorous scumbags...) , and what should I see? Here... Look for yourself:

Nice banner ad don't you think? I must admit that I am disgusted that the local news entity that hosts John Forslund's blog is shilling for the Crapitals. THE CRAPITALS! For god's LaRose's sake, the Craps are located in a crime-ridden, crackhead-mayored, traffic-nightmare of a cesspool FOUR AND A HALF HOURS in the wrong direction on I-95. Yet, WRAL is advertising for them? Did they forget that the Canes are located less than 3 miles (as the crow flies) from their offices? Talk about bad form. Seriously. Maybe if somebody would get a crowbar and pry Tom Suitor's face out of Roy Williams' turd cutter, this crap wouldn't happen.

Seriously. They need to get over the hate. This crap has to stop.