All Things Hockey In The Carolinas

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Coming Soon to an Ebay Store Near You: The Scott Walker Bobblehead!

Just when you thought it was over. Just when you thought we'd played this theme out. We had to go back to the well. Not that I like doing it. But sometimes, it is necessary.

As everyone knows, I hate bobbleheads. I mean, I seriously hate bobbleheads. Maybe I just don't get the concept, but I find them creepy at best, and deeply disturbing at worst. But the main thing that bothers me is that you never see a bobblehead that actually resembles the player it is meant to imitate. Could it be that Todd McFarlane has copyrighted all the major sports stars' likenesses for his evil sports figurine empire, and therefore, the bobblehead manufacturers guild is forced to actively ensure that a player's bobblehead does not, in fact, resemble said player? I do not know the answer to this question. But as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, a bobblehead never looks like it's subject.

And that brings us to the topic at hand: The Scott Walker bobblehead. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the Eric Staal bobblehead, and I was right. But, this one also leaves a lot to be desired. First off, I can't decide who it looks more like. Will Ferrell?

Or Robbie the Robot?

Of course, the look is just one of the issues I've got with this thing. The next issue I've got is the marketing. If you go to the "official" website, you'll see that they not only give you a routine picture of the damn thing. They also decided they needed to give us the Scott Walker "money shot".

Is that really necessary? Do we really need to see a picture of the Scott Walker bobble-butt? Is ass quality an issue on bobbleheads? For cripes sake, it looks like they modeled the pose from a candid snapshot taken on the team's annual prostate check day. This sends a bad signal to the community, IMHO... Exactly which local demographic are we catering to for Scott Walker bobblehead night? I guess I need to check the RBC webcam to see if they've installed pink wallpaper in the concourse and a disco ball under the jumbotron for Monday night. [Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

Of course, they also gave us the side view, which tends to suggest that the thing might've been sponsored by Dulcolax. Push Scotty! Push! Or maybe it's sponsored by Goodberry's: "Come on... , ICE CREAM!!!" Take your pick:

Of course, the appearances aside, I also have an issue with the timing of the thing. First off, Scotty isn't likely to play, as he is having concussion issues. Second off, I think it's a bit karmically wrong to give away a bobblehead of a player with post-concussion syndrome. The irony is just vicious and it seems a bit insensitive to the player. Concussion - Shaky head. Concussion - Shaky head. Seriously? I mean, what's next? The Erik Cole:

Or maybe the Justin Williams?

Seriously, it's time we stamped out the practice of bobblehead promotions. They are evil and wrong and they are slowly corrupting our sons and daughters. The process starts out innocently enough with collecting just one sexually ambiguous Walker bobblehead. The next thing you know, they move on to the hard stuff - Ken Dolls - and with a little help from Barbie's closet, G.I. Joe becomes G.I. Josephine. And ultimately, you walk into your son's room, only to find him listening to Wham! and wearing leather pants. I tell you, these monstrosities must be outlawed as soon as possible. If it saves just one child from listening to Wham!, it'll all be worth it.

Who'll think of the children?