Coming Soon to an Ebay Store Near You: The Scott Walker Bobblehead!

Just when you thought it was over. Just when you thought we'd played this theme out. We had to go back to the well. Not that I like doing it. But sometimes, it is necessary.

As everyone knows, I hate bobbleheads. I mean, I seriously hate bobbleheads. Maybe I just don't get the concept, but I find them creepy at best, and deeply disturbing at worst. But the main thing that bothers me is that you never see a bobblehead that actually resembles the player it is meant to imitate. Could it be that Todd McFarlane has copyrighted all the major sports stars' likenesses for his evil sports figurine empire, and therefore, the bobblehead manufacturers guild is forced to actively ensure that a player's bobblehead does not, in fact, resemble said player? I do not know the answer to this question. But as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, a bobblehead never looks like it's subject.

And that brings us to the topic at hand: The Scott Walker bobblehead. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the Eric Staal bobblehead, and I was right. But, this one also leaves a lot to be desired. First off, I can't decide who it looks more like. Will Ferrell?


Or Robbie the Robot?


Of course, the look is just one of the issues I've got with this thing. The next issue I've got is the marketing. If you go to the "official" website, you'll see that they not only give you a routine picture of the damn thing. They also decided they needed to give us the Scott Walker "money shot".



Is that really necessary? Do we really need to see a picture of the Scott Walker bobble-butt? Is ass quality an issue on bobbleheads? For cripes sake, it looks like they modeled the pose from a candid snapshot taken on the team's annual prostate check day. This sends a bad signal to the community, IMHO... Exactly which local demographic are we catering to for Scott Walker bobblehead night? I guess I need to check the RBC webcam to see if they've installed pink wallpaper in the concourse and a disco ball under the jumbotron for Monday night. [Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

Of course, they also gave us the side view, which tends to suggest that the thing might've been sponsored by Dulcolax. Push Scotty! Push! Or maybe it's sponsored by Goodberry's: "Come on... , ICE CREAM!!!" Take your pick:


Of course, the appearances aside, I also have an issue with the timing of the thing. First off, Scotty isn't likely to play, as he is having concussion issues. Second off, I think it's a bit karmically wrong to give away a bobblehead of a player with post-concussion syndrome. The irony is just vicious and it seems a bit insensitive to the player. Concussion - Shaky head. Concussion - Shaky head. Seriously? I mean, what's next? The Erik Cole:





Or maybe the Justin Williams?


Seriously, it's time we stamped out the practice of bobblehead promotions. They are evil and wrong and they are slowly corrupting our sons and daughters. The process starts out innocently enough with collecting just one sexually ambiguous Walker bobblehead. The next thing you know, they move on to the hard stuff - Ken Dolls - and with a little help from Barbie's closet, G.I. Joe becomes G.I. Josephine. And ultimately, you walk into your son's room, only to find him listening to Wham! and wearing leather pants. I tell you, these monstrosities must be outlawed as soon as possible. If it saves just one child from listening to Wham!, it'll all be worth it.

Who'll think of the children?

WHO'LL THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!

Change in Atmosphere: Volume not Valium

I know what you're thinking. What does a man cuddling with a sheep have to do with hockey? Why, nothing of course. So what gives?

I'll tell ya: It ain't about the lovely cover art, it's about the auditory ambrosia within. That's right. It's about the music. And that, my friends is the bridge to hockey. Allow me to explain.

I am friggin sick of the pansy crap blaring out of the jumbotron during games. Seriously. If I never hear Gary Glitter "Rock and Roll part 2" again, it'll be too soon. Sure, it was a great sports "anthem" circa 1981. And god knows, I love the 80's (and yes, I do know that awful song is from the early 70's). But let's face reality: Ole Gary is a convicted pedophile. So couple that fact with the prepubescent kids now featured on the Canes season ticket stubs and ask yourself what message are they really sending? And while we're at it, let's shelve "We Will Rock You" for the time being. At least until they've reached the consistency level where there's a better than 50% chance on any given night that the Canes will, in fact, rock somebody. I swear one night, the Canes were down 3 goals with 2 minutes to play, and those RBC idiots started playing "We Will Rock You". We lost by 4. Talk about writing checks your bodies can't cash...

And why the hell to we have to hear the [edited by Billy Graham]-ing "Chicken Dance" every game? Isn't that a yankee wedding song? Note to RBC staff: IT"S A [ edited by the Vatican]- ING HOCKEY GAME!!! NOT A [personally edited by the pope himself] - ING YANKEE WEDDING OR MILWAUKEE BAR MITZVAH!!!

And I won't even begin to describe everything that is wrong with playing "Cotton-Eye Joe". It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Suffice it to say, and I mean this in the strictest biblical sense: THAT SONG SUCKS [edited by the Moral Majority; minus Falwell]!!!

So what do I propose? Simple. Replace the god awful sappy/kiddy/antique/NAMBLA approved music with something original. Something edgy. Something fast. Something violent.

In two words: Something punk.

Punk makes everything better. More energetic. More passionate. More lively. More alive! Can you imagine the jolt of confusion and fear opposing teams would get as they came out of the tunnel to the sound of Rancid's "Killing Zone" and the awe-inducing sight of 18,000 manic Caniacs in a full blown panoramic pogo? I can. It'd be both a beautiful and terrible sight to behold. I can personally attest to the fact that a man can derive ambient energy from groups like D.R.I., NOFX, X, Black Flag, or most anything early with Henry Rollins...

True story: Once upon a time, back when ole East was but a young lad, I instigated a full blown riot in a previously subdued establishment, merely by bribing a sympathetic DJ into substituting one of my Dead Kennedy's LP's (In God We Trust, Inc. - on vinyl...) for the pre-existing dreck the bar had been feeding the assorted patronage. The last thing I clearly remember before coming to about 6 hours later (in a strange bed with a very cute green and pink haired girl who introduced herself as "Lash") was seeing the entire joint in a violent counter-clockwise mosh with both bartenders in the middle of the vortex; slinging elbows and grinning like they'd won the 'effing' lottery. Best I can reconstruct, I caught either an elbow or knee to the face (dunno which, I never saw it coming. Or going for that matter...) shortly thereafter, and was dragged off to lie in state on the end of the bar, until closing time, when my mortal remains were mercifully claimed by "Lash" and carried to her pad for suitable disposition. THIS is what punk brings to the table.

Punk can do anything. Punk can even turn bad 80's pop into something good (that's a Utah Saints [sub: Kate Bush] reference, to any fellow sophisticates). Don't believe me? Check it:

See what I mean? Much better...

And that's the rub. If you want a loud, active crowd, you've got to give them motivation. And upgrading the auditory atmosphere in the RBC from the same old tired and predictable garbage would go a long way towards that. Let's face it, hockey is a fast, reckless, extreme, and even a little violent sport. So let's get with the program, and frame this incredible sport with some fast, reckless, extreme, and even a little violent music. A hockey game is not a Bar Mitzvah. Logically, it therefore shouldn't sound like one. They need to can the milquetoast music, and set the place afire. They just need a spark.

I'll start the petition.

Who's with me?