If the sound of crickets didn't give it away - this blog is not currently active with new posts. Dave & East of Here continue to sling their puck-wit, it just stays in the privacy of their own respective crowds.
Dateline Atlanta
Atlanta Thrashers GM Don Waddell today traded goaltender Kari Lehtonen to the Dallas Stars for defenseman Ivan Vishnevskiy and a fourth-round selection in the 2010 Entry Draft. However, in a stunning move just hours later, Waddell then traded the rest of the team to Jim Balsille for 7 pounds of dried moose jerky, 11 cured beaver pelts and a burlap sack of loose cash. The full terms of the deal are not yet known, but the deal reportedly includes not only the entire current Thrashers roster, but also Phillips Arena, both zambonis, all 8 hot dog carts, all 16 immigrant cleaning staff personnel, 4 stockrooms of unsold miscellaneous Thrasher merchandise, and just about everything else associated with, or owned by the Atlanta Thrashers organization. "It's pretty much the whole kit and kaboodle" said a source inside the organization who requested anonymity so people would not associate him with the Atlanta Thrashers.
It had been initially rumored among several league sources that upon hearing of the trade, Gary Bettman's head actually exploded. However, this rumor was quickly debunked by the league office, which released a statement containing technical data illustrating that Gary Bettman's head was, in fact, big and malleable enough to contain any potential explosions without damage. Calls to the league office requesting further comment on this technical data were not returned.
In a short press release, however, the Thrashers explained the rationale for the unexpected move. "While we know that today's decision to trade the entire team to Jim Balsille may come as a shock to all 16 members of our core fanbase, with the recent departure of Ilya Kovalchuk what's the point in even trying anymore? As a token of our appreciation to the dozens of fans who have attended Thrashers games over the years, we will be having a buy 1 get 4 free sale on official Thrashers jerseys from 6 am to noon, each remaining Saturday in February at booth number 23 at Flea Market USA, conveniently located at 1919 Metropolitan Parkway Southwest. Come early, come all."
Another source close to the situation indicated that the deal nearly fell through, when Balsille balked at Waddell's initial demand of 8 pounds of moose jerky - one pound for each owner. However, both sides eventually were able to agree on 7 pounds, when part owner Steve Belkin agreed to retain 2 unopened boxes of 'Skittles' from unsold snackbar inventory, in lieu of his pound of jerky.
New owner Balsille, owner of Research in Motion, quickly expressed his delight with the trade. "Today I am proud to report that I have acquired the Atlanta Thrashers in a pre-deadline trade. I know that many current owners and GM's will say that I overpaid in this trade, but there are times when one has to have the cajones to just go out there and take what one wants, costs be damned. Oh, and UP YOURS, Bettman!!!" Balsille also unveiled a new "Third Jersey" that will be worn by the team for the remainder of the year:
It has also been widely rumored that the new owner has expressed interest in petitioning the league to change the name of the team from the "Thrashers" to the "Blackberries". But this rumor has not yet been confirmed.
The trade has also fueled speculation that Balsille's acquisition of the team is a precursor to the team being relocated to Canada. When asked about this possibility in a telephone interview this afternoon, Balsille indicated that such talk was premature, as he has not yet had time to complete a feasibility study on disassembling Phillips Arena and having it trucked to Hamilton, Ontario for reassembly. "I'm told that all those hicks down there live in little tin houses on wheels" said Balsille. "While it stands to reason that they would use their same primitive construction methods in their stadiums, our technical personnel have not yet been able to get down there and pull the underpinning off the building to assess the condition of the axles. Plus, I'm sure we would need some construction permits, a really big truck and a big-ass license plate before we could drag that puppy back up to Canada. Such an undertaking would take a couple of weeks at least."
In a related story, the NHL today unexpectedly received a new bid to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. The league office would not release any details as to the potential buyer or other terms of the deal. However, a source familiar with the proposal has indicated that the sale would be contingent upon the league approving the team's relocation to Cupertino, California and changing the team name from the Coyotes to the "iPucks".
Yep. It's the bobblehead thing. Again.
What is with this team? I know, I know... It's a bobblehead, it isn't supposed to look exactly like the player. But shouldn't it at least look a little like the player?
As you will recall, I have previously delved into the subject of Canes bobbleheads. And I've discovered that lately, they appear to be modeled after various political figures. The most glaring example was that of Cam Ward's bobblehead:
Well, as you can see, the Cam Ward bobblehead was clearly modeled after Barack Obama. There's just no denying it. But what the hell? Given Obama's popularity back then, I guess it helped marketing. But I wonder if there was not some backlash over this.
Let's face it: The South is generally a conservative area. And the Canes are located well below the Mason-Dixon line. So maybe modeling Hurricane bobbleheads after a black socialist wasn't such a hot idea after all. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I am a conspiratorial kinda guy. So I am thinking that maybe the Ocama bobblehead might've drawn Gale Force Holdings some complaints. I suggest this, because what other explanation could there be for their latest foray into bobblehead-dom?
In case you haven't seen it, the Canes have now released their first soon-to-be-found-on-EBay chotchke of the year. It is an Eric Cole bobblehead. Of course, one has to wonder about the irony/symbolism of making a bobblehead of a guy that broke his neck a coupla years ago, but I digress...
The point of this diatribe/conspiracy theory is that apparently, the Canes have decided that they needed to be "Fair and Balanced". Maybe practice a little bobblehead fairness doctrine. Because they sure went the other way with the Cole chotchke. Yep, you guessed it. The Cole chotchke is the spitting image of George W. Bush:
Seriously. Maybe you think I am nuts, but this CAN NOT be a coincidence. Two bobbleheads - Two presidents. Think about it.
Of course, there are other possibilities. Given how bad this season is going for the Canes, maybe they had other subliminal messages in mind:
I'll let you decide...
Fail... The final frontier.
These are the follies of the Carolina Hurricanes.
Their '09 mission is:
To give up strange, new soft goals,
To commit new turnovers, new defensive breakdowns...
To boldly FAIL like no team has FAILED before!!!
Dateline New York
October 12, 2009
In a stunning development, the NHL on Sunday announced that it has awarded the 2009/2010 Hart Trophy to current U.S. President Barack Obama.
Obama seemed shocked by his selection for this award when he gave a prepared statement to the media at a press conference in the White House press room this morning. “This was not something that I was expecting - something that I was expecting. However, I am humbled by this honor, and hope that ... um ... I can live up to whatever ideals ... um... for which this... this award stands. I’d like to sincerely thank the NHA for this honor. Pause for applause, nod at camera and smile humbly. Oh, sorry. Dammit Rahm! Did you put that on my teleprompter?”
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to defend President Obama’s selection as this year's league MVP. “I know that there is a vast right wing conspiracy that will try to capitalize on the fact that until receiving this award, President Obama was not even aware that the NBL still existed. However, the truth is that the President has DirecTV, which doesn’t carry Versus. Therefore, in the unlikely event that the President had been made aware that a professional hockey game was occurring, he couldn’t have watched the game anyway; even if he had wanted to. Those despicable conservatives will stoop to any level to try to cheapen this awe inspiring, and well deserved achievement by our President.”
However, not everyone was as enthusiastic with Obama’s selection. “I think it’s perplexing”, said Carolina Hurricanes General Manager Jim Rutherford. “I understand that the league is focused on maximizing its exposure in the U.S. market. And I understand that it was a great accomplishment for Barack Obama to become the first black president of the United States. I can certainly respect that. But, this seems mighty premature to me. I mean, the season has just started and Obama doesn’t even play the game! If the league wanted to make some sort of international or racial statement by awarding the Hart Trophy to a guy who's dad was African and who wasn’t born in the United States, they could’ve just given it to Jerome Iginla.”
Despite the furor, Commissioner Gary Bettman was adamant that the selection was appropriate. “The selection of President Obama for this award is in recognition for the many, many great things that he has yet to do for this sport over the years. And while he has never actually played the game, or even watched a game, he nonetheless has the potential to someday play hockey. And if he were to ever decide to play, we just know his play would surely be deserving of this award. Therefore, we hope that this award inspires him to someday actually try hockey, or maybe at least catch a game on television if he should happen to find himself in one of the few cable markets where Versus is available. Also, since he is from Chicago, his selection dovetails nicely with the league’s ongoing efforts to promote Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, the young stars of the Chicago Blackhawks, as they help resurrect that once proud franchise.”
This explanation did not satisfy some conservative pundits, such as Fox News’ Glenn Beck. “It’s just not right!” said an emotional Beck. “Isn’t hockey that obscure Canadian sport? If anything, a U.S. President should be getting a nice Capitalistic award like the Cy Young, not some socialist Canadian trophy.” Beck then dabbed his eyes and sobbed, “I’m sorry. I’m just a Patriot who loves his country.”
Last year’s recipient, Washington Capitals Forward Alexander Ovechkin, was mysteriously detained by immigration officials at Dulles International Airport on Sunday evening, and was unavailable for comment as of press time.
It's about that time boys and girls! The 2009/2010 NHL season is nearly begun! What madness awaits us? Time will tell. Friday can't come quick enough...
I hate the offseason.
Like most fans, I really want to see some live action hockey again. I miss it. And it makes it worse reading these little local blurb newspaper articles about how the guys are skating before camp, etc. It whets the appetite, yet all the while serving as a reminder that we are still a month away from real hockey.
I also hate having to watch stale reruns of games on the NHL network for my hockey fix. I've been compelled to watch the NHL network's replay of the 2009 playoffs and it is killing me. For some reason, it just doesn't feel right watching a game where you already know what is going to happen. What is even worse is that I find myself watching these games and coming up with various snarky insights, but realize that I am about 3 months too late to post them here with any impact or relevancy. And that is the point of this otherwise pointless post:
I've got no motivation.
This is why the blog has been woefully underutilized lately. I could blame it on the offseason, but surely I could find something to bitch/snark about. I mean, any half ass worth his salt come come up with something silly to post about the terms of the Marion Hossa deal: "Does a 4-year supply of 'Geritol' count against the salary cap?" Or maybe a disturbing photoshop of Gary Bettman peeling and feeding Sydney Crosby grapes from the Stanley Cup? Or maybe even a cheap joke: "How many Nick Wallins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, he wasn't going to light the lamp anymore anyway!" Surely I could come up with something...
But I've got no current motivation.
I could blame this on the summer and all the distractions (it sure is nice outside). I could blame it on being busy at work (and I am). I could blame it on the pressures of taking care of a 7 month old kid (what is that peculiar smell?). But I won't. Mainly, I've just been lazy, I guess.
But fear not. Though we may be in the hockey doldrums, I assure you that once the season starts, there will be plenty of snark and gripe to go around. My motivation will return. Soon, we will be back in full swing here at C.O.I. In fact, I've got a couple of post ideas with potential that I have been toying about with.
But we'll save those for when I am properly motivated.
It's still summer. There's still no fresh hockey games on TV to watch. I've read Canes Country already today and I'm up to speed on the hockey happenings. It's slow at work on a lazy Friday afternoon - so what to do? Let's check out what there is for sale on the Raleigh craigslist for sale items under the search term: "Hurricanes".
There's only so much that us hockey fanatics can find in the doldrums of summer to feed our fixes. Will he or won't he sign in X location? Will they or won't they trade X player? Well I'm to the point where exploring other platforms to get my pucky news is going on.
While I didn't necessarily find any surprising, up-to-date news on any of our Swedes, Russians or Finns - I did find a few gems to share with you.
Last March, Tuomo Ruutu was apparently voted as the top sexy single in Finland but he's not just a hockey player. No, he's a "puck lion":
"Iltalehti.fi's readers have chosen the Finnish sexy sinkuiksi puck lion Tuomo screen, and the singer Jenni Vartiainen. Vastaajia viehättää Tuomo Ruudussa muun muassa hänen komeutensa ja hymynsä. Respondents attracts Tuomo screen, including his komeutensa and hymynsä. Urosleijonaa äänesti 29 prosenttia lukijoista. The male lion has voted 29 per cent readers. - Aggressiivisuus ja intohimo jäällä saavat tämän naisen pauloihinsa. - Aggression and passion on the ice to this woman pauloihinsa. Vapaalla Tuomo taas on todella rento ja hyvin pukeutuva mies, yksi äänestäjistä perusteli valintaansa. Free Tuomo again is really cool and well dress male, one for the voters to justify their choice. " - Google Translation of some Finn celebrity site
Yeah, I have the same problem all the time with women being drawn to mykomeutensa and hymynsa. I feel your pain, Tuomo. Pimpin' ain't easy.
Next up I found a blog from some Swedes about Nic Wallin and their adventures in Raleigh going to the games at the RBC Center:
"In the parking lot were several groups that proposed the grill and enjoyed a cold Pilsner in the spring sun. It also has different sheets contests where you could measure its kind shoots or shoot dot on a paper canvas. There is also a live band to entertain the audience while waiting for OFF. Hockey is a stunt here and I do not see why not Elitserien clubs do not follow the concept." - Kuriren blog from Sweden
Yes you see - it's not so much - "C'mon boys, let's throw some brats on the grill and toss back a few brew-hahas before the game" - it's better described as "proposing" the grill. Is the contest he's talking about cornhole? I haven't the slightest.
Is it October yet? Crap.
My boy Jimmy has come through with some clutch signings in the month of July with Erik Cole and Chad LaRose both returning. But today I welcome in D-man Andrew Alberts and forward Tom Kostopoulos to Carolina the only way I know how: by making fun of them.
To Tommy the Greek Kostopoulos: First off - you sound great and I vaguely remember you as a Hab. My boys from FHF dig you so that goes a long way. But I'm concerned that living and playing in the South around all these fun bars and nice women's fashion stores may drive you to be an accomplice to more purse thefts. Yes I know that HE didn't steal the purse that night in Tampa Bay, but hey - guilt by association when something as embarrassing as that happens.
So you're a prankster, eh? Is someone going to have to lock you in your hotel room every time the Canes play Lightning in Tampa?
What the hell is going on with your last name? The letter "O" makes an appearance like 8 freaking times. But it is easy to come up with nicknames with a name like that. It happened spontaneously at 850 the Buzz's post about him today. I'm still fond of my Flight of the Conchords reference; "They call me the Hip-Hop-Kostopoulos, my lyrics are bottomless". So uh, yeah welcome aboard. Do good, please.
To Andrew Alberts: It took a minute, but I figured out why I remembered him:
[For shits and giggles, I thought I'd repost last year's post decrying the elimination of the Ovenchicken from the playoffs. Yes, some of the references are dated by a year, but it just seemed appropriate to air it out once again. -EOH]
Dateline: Toronto
In a move unprecedented in professional sports, the NHL today cancelled the remainder of the Stanley Cup Playoffs; opting instead to simply award the Stanley Cup to the Ottawa Senators next Tuesday. “Going forward, we just felt that this move was the best course for both the league and its fans”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "Without Ovechkin to look forward to, there's nothing left that's worth seeing. And without that magnificent Russian scoring machine, what will the NHL beat writers possibly write about. Who in their right mind would want to read a hockey article that wasn't all about the wonderful Ovechkin? Certainly not me..."
As for awarding the cup to Ottawa, Bettman said it just felt like the right thing to do. "They've got such talented players and they've worked so hard. You just feel bad for them. Plus, they are a Canadian team, so the vast majority of our fanbase will be somewhat pleased. Just think what would've happened to me if I'd just given the cup back to those NASCAR loving hicks in Carolina", remarked Bettman. "You'd find my burned out carcass nailed to a tree outside of Moose Twat, British Columbia if I'd done that. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give Lord Stanley's cereal bowl to those quiche eating surrender monkeys in Quebec either."
However, some NHL owners and General Managers were visibly outraged. “I think this really stinks”, said Cliff Fletcher, Interim General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. “If any team deserves to just be handed the Stanley Cup, it is the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s not like we have the talent to win it by ourselves. Jesus, our coach is Paul Maurice for god’s sake. But Ottawa? Their Captain is from Sweden and their Goaltender is friggin Swiss! I’d rather see my daughter in a whorehouse than see Daniel Alfredsson’s name on our cup.” Fletcher bristled at the suggestion that the Maple Leaf’s Captain was also Swedish. “That’s a lie! This is Mats Sundin you’re talking about! Sundin not Sedin! How dare you criticize Mats Sundin! Mats Sundin is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie. All he’s ever done is given his heart and soul to our beloved Maple Leafs, and you reward him by questioning his Canadian heritage? Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!!!” Future Maple Leafs GM Jim Rutherford had no comment on the cancellation, but did mutter something unintelligible about Peter Laviolette, a tire iron and a garbage dumpster.
Other General Managers were also perplexed by the move. “I don’t know how the league can just arbitrarily award the Stanley Cup to some team other than the Red Wings”, said Detroit General Manager Ken Holland. “If the cup belongs anywhere, it is in Detroit. It’s a natural fit: Detroit is known worldwide as ‘Hockey Town’. And this place is such a crime infested sh*thole, we could use any help we can get to take our residents’ mind off the high unemployment rate and the rest of their miserable existence. By the way, you aren’t going to print that last part are you?”
Montreal Canadiens coach Guy Carbonneau also weighed in strongly on the matter, saying: "Rezendez vous, parlez vous, voulez vous couche' avec moi, ce soi. Chateau Marcel Marceau escargot. Oui, oui mon cherie. Quiche vichyssoise! Inspector Clouseau. American pig dog! Ptooey!". He then smeared white makeup on his face, put on a black outfit with a striped shirt and funny hat, and tried to storm silently out of the room; but was thwarted when he encountered what appeared to be a very strong headwind. Unable to make headway, he became temporarily trapped in what might've been a glass box, before slowly pulling himself out of the room by means of an apparently invisible rope.
Oddly, Buffalo Sabres coach, Lindy Ruff’s response to the news was uncharacteristically calm: “This is B*llsh*T!!!” roared Ruff. “$#@%! *&%^, #*&#, *&%#ing bleep! We *&%#ing sucked way *&%#ing worse than those arrogant *&%#ing Ottawa Senators did! In fact, they were so *&%#ing arrogant they had *&%#ing champagne in their *&%#ing lockerroom before game four against the *&%#ing Penguins. They *&%#ing knew they were going to be awarded the *&%#ing cup. The league *&%#ing hates us. Everybody *&%#ing hates us. We get no *&%#ing respect. Their all out to get us. Well I'll just have somebody take out Spezza's knee or Heatley's achilles tendon and see how they *&%#ing like it. That's old time hockey right there. How Ottawa gets a cup without even putting a skate in the crease is beyond me. *&%# off and die!"
This unexpected cancellation comes on the immediate heels of the Philadelphia Flyer’s overtime, game-seven defeat of the Washington Capitals and the corresponding elimination of the NHL’s new poster boy Alexander Ovechkin. But despite increasingly strong outcries from the players and team executives to continue the playoffs as scheduled, the league remained firm in it’s position. “I mean, without Alexander Ovechkin in the mix, what’s the point”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sure, Sidney Crosby was still in the hunt, but he’s like so ‘last year’. That’s not to knock Sid or anything. He’s still got those juicy lips and a wicked wrist shot, but let’s face it; he’s no Alex Ovechkin. With that nut-hair beard and Russian accent, Ovi’s so dreamy I could just scream. And besides, given the NHL’s abysmal Nielson ratings, and the fact that Versus is only available in 16 U.S. households, it’s not like anybody will notice the difference anyway. ”
The Commissioner’s attempts to justify the action did little to allay the ire of angry team officials. “So this whole thing was because Gary went and got himself all butthurt that his Russian boy toy got eliminated?” stormed Leafs GM Fletcher. Well, we’ve got a Russian too, but I didn’t see that rat faced little bastard cancelling the season back in January when the Leafs were out of contention! Hell, you want Russian? How about Alexei Ponikarovsky? You can’t get anymore Russian than ‘Alexei Ponikarovsky’. Sh*t fire, I'll bet every one of you a shiny new quarter with a beaver on the back that you can't even pronounce Ponikarovsky! Hell, ‘Alexander’ could be damn near anything, except maybe Chinese or Korean. But Alexei? ... THAT’s pure Russian.” When asked his thoughts on Fletcher's Russian theory, Rutherford simply smiled and said, "Samsonov".
Meanwhile, the sporadic cable network Versus scrambled to fill its now vacant evening lineup. “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘scrambling’”, remarked Jamie Davis, President of Versus Network. “We’ve got plenty of PBR Bullriding footage that’s just begging to be aired. And we’ve got years of old Tour de France highlights that we can, uh... recycle, pardon the pun. While we here at Versus are deeply disappointed that we will not have any more exciting NHL action to broadcast this spring; we are excited about the huge increase in ratings that PBR Bullriding and pre-recorded European Bicycling are sure to garner in these time slots...
Meet Scott Walker. He was once an ordinary man, like you and I. But fate intervened. And with one sphincter rattling bitch slap, he became "Walkerine". His skeleton may be adamantium alloy, but his balls are 100% brass. Don't make him angry, Penguins. You wouldn't like him when he's angry...
Flashback time: Sunday September 28, 2008.
The Philadelphia Flyers were in town to play the Hurricanes in a pre-season tilt. Matt Cullen, who everyone was still being precocious with after returning from double concussions, was blind-sided by Nate Guenin of the Flyers with a vicious hit. Scott Walker immediately went after Guenin and began punching him rabidly.
Walker injured his hand on the play - required ligament surgery - and was out the first six weeks of the season. As he neared his return to the line-up, he dropped this gem:
""People say should I have gotten in the fight," he said. "I try to look back and say what would have I have done different? I think if the same thing happened today I would do it again."
- Canes Now blog entry
Last night in Boston, Walker stood by those six-month old comments and again stepped up for Matt Cullen. While all the focus has been squarely on Walker dropping A-Ward like a limp noodle (rightfully so) - not many people have mentioned Matt Cullen in this discussion.
Ward was all over Cullen as he has been on many of the players in this series. Aaron is great at what he does. But the in-game and post-whistle potshots have been going on for all five games with Ward and the majority of his teammates all being guilty of it. If you watch around the 0:07 mark of this video, you can see Ward violently cross checking Matt Cullen in the head:
Also not mentioned today was the Chuck Kobasew cross check to the back of Erik Cole's head. No one needs reminding of the history behind Cole's neck. How much crap did they think the Hurricanes were going to take before they retaliated? Carolina usually takes the high road and lets their skill-game do the talking. But they've got a Tim Conboy, they've got a Tim Gleason and they've got a Scott Walker ready to do some wailing if need be.
While I wish Aaron Ward would have been better prepared for the punch, Scott was just doing what he's wanted to do all along. Aaron Ward was ready to go with Matt Cullen, but when Walker skates over - he wouldn't drop the gloves and he got what was coming to him. 
