Sweet Jesus! They've done it again...

Yep. It's the bobblehead thing. Again.

What is with this team? I know, I know... It's a bobblehead, it isn't supposed to look exactly like the player. But shouldn't it at least look a little like the player?

As you will recall, I have previously delved into the subject of Canes bobbleheads. And I've discovered that lately, they appear to be modeled after various political figures. The most glaring example was that of Cam Ward's bobblehead:

Well, as you can see, the Cam Ward bobblehead was clearly modeled after Barack Obama. There's just no denying it. But what the hell? Given Obama's popularity back then, I guess it helped marketing. But I wonder if there was not some backlash over this.

Let's face it: The South is generally a conservative area. And the Canes are located well below the Mason-Dixon line. So maybe modeling Hurricane bobbleheads after a black socialist wasn't such a hot idea after all. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I am a conspiratorial kinda guy. So I am thinking that maybe the Ocama bobblehead might've drawn Gale Force Holdings some complaints. I suggest this, because what other explanation could there be for their latest foray into bobblehead-dom?

In case you haven't seen it, the Canes have now released their first soon-to-be-found-on-EBay chotchke of the year. It is an Eric Cole bobblehead. Of course, one has to wonder about the irony/symbolism of making a bobblehead of a guy that broke his neck a coupla years ago, but I digress...

The point of this diatribe/conspiracy theory is that apparently, the Canes have decided that they needed to be "Fair and Balanced". Maybe practice a little bobblehead fairness doctrine. Because they sure went the other way with the Cole chotchke. Yep, you guessed it. The Cole chotchke is the spitting image of George W. Bush:



Seriously. Maybe you think I am nuts, but this CAN NOT be a coincidence. Two bobbleheads - Two presidents. Think about it.

Of course, there are other possibilities. Given how bad this season is going for the Canes, maybe they had other subliminal messages in mind:



I'll let you decide...

The Politics of Bobbleheads

As you all already know, I really hate bobbleheads. In fact, by now you probably think I have some weird sort of obsessive/compulsive, Paula Abdul stalker kinda thing about bobbleheads. But, I assure you I don't. I just don't like them. They are creepy.

But having said that, I simply can't resist breaking down the bobbleheads/figurines/chotchkes that the Canes give away. Mainly because it is so easy and fun to do. However, about a week or two ago, I sat down to analyze the Cam Ward bobblehead. At the outset, I took a look at the picture of the thing:

I stared at it for about a second and a half and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew EXACTLY who that bobblehead was modeled after. It was unmistakable. It was uncanny. But it couldn't be. It just couldn't. But oh holy shit it was! It is beyond doubt. That's not Cam Ward. It's Barack-frigging-Obama!

Tell me it ain't? You can't!!!

Now if it'd been anyone but Obama, I might've been able to chalk this up to some one in a million coincidence. But, when I went to photochop the damn graphic above, it was a perfect match. Seriously, I cut out a picture of Obama, and pasted it over the bobblehead Cam-face and it fit perfectly without any alterations. Even the ears matched up perfect. Just like Disney hides pictures of tits and weiners in their kiddie movies, somebody tried to slip this one past us. And initially, I thought this was a brilliant coup d'etat. I mean, come on! They put out an Obama hockey bobblehead! That is a pretty slick joke. But...

The more I thought about it, the lamer it got. And here's why: They were lazy. They didn't develop the plan far enough. And as a result, they missed a bundle of punchlines. It could've been sweeter than Yoo-Hoo. But they fell short. If I were in charge of designing surrepticiously political-oriented bobbleheads, I'd have knocked this one out of the park. How so? Allow me to 'splain it to you:

First off, there's no symmetry here. Barack Obama as a goalie? It's just wrong. It's too random. It makes no sense. Nobody is gullible enough to believe that. How the hell can you try to pass off Barack Obama as a goalie, when the whole world knows he's a left winger?

This got me to thinking. What if they modeled all the bobbleheads after political figures? What would you come up with? For me it was easy. I already knew the perfect political fantasy lineup:

This is a no brainer. Can there be any better prototypical left winger than Che' Guevara? Of course not. Look at that playoff beard and Mexi-mullet. He'd have rocked in the NHL. And judging from the number of people he apparently sent to the firing squads, you know he'd have to have a pretty wicked shot. Yes, I know... When you look at the numbers, Stalin was a more prolific shooter, but he just doesn't have the appeal that Che' does with the younger demographic. Nowadays, the NHL is all about marketing. And with Che's track record with T-Shirt sales, you know that dude would move a mountain of replica jerseys. The dude is money in the bank!

Imagine the confidence of streaking down the ice, with Uncle Jesse on your wing. He's the ultimate right winger. Sure, he'd never be a natural scorer like John F. Kennedy (LW) was; but the guy knew how to get results. He would win every single faceoff. And unlike John Edwards (LW), he would never get kicked out of the faceoff circle for cheating. Of course, he'd be less successful defensively now that the league has done away with obstruction. But back in the day, he'd have been a one-man neutral zone trap. In fact, with his record of blocking things, he could probably even play goal. But either way, you know he'd always have your back. Unless you are Anson Carter, but that's another story altogether...

There's not much more you could say about McCain. He is about as close a thing to center that we've seen in quite a while. Overall, he'd be a hard, dependable worker. And he could play well with most anybody. You need guys like that on your team. The only problem you'd have with him is that if he ever took a penalty, it'd get pretty damn ugly. After his time spent in the Hanoi Hilton, you sure as hell wouldn't want to be the unlucky ref that tried to put him in the box.

And finally, your goalie would be Hillary Clinton. Nothing deters scoring like that face. I mean, who in their right mind would want to score on that? In fact, nobody in their right mind would even go near her crease. So she'd be a natural in goal. Of course, this leads us to the logical question to wrap up this post: If Hillary Clinton was an NHL goalie, who would her ironic bobblehead look like?

Monica Lewinsky perhaps? Think of the possibilities...

Coming Soon to an Ebay Store Near You: The Scott Walker Bobblehead!

Just when you thought it was over. Just when you thought we'd played this theme out. We had to go back to the well. Not that I like doing it. But sometimes, it is necessary.

As everyone knows, I hate bobbleheads. I mean, I seriously hate bobbleheads. Maybe I just don't get the concept, but I find them creepy at best, and deeply disturbing at worst. But the main thing that bothers me is that you never see a bobblehead that actually resembles the player it is meant to imitate. Could it be that Todd McFarlane has copyrighted all the major sports stars' likenesses for his evil sports figurine empire, and therefore, the bobblehead manufacturers guild is forced to actively ensure that a player's bobblehead does not, in fact, resemble said player? I do not know the answer to this question. But as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, a bobblehead never looks like it's subject.

And that brings us to the topic at hand: The Scott Walker bobblehead. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the Eric Staal bobblehead, and I was right. But, this one also leaves a lot to be desired. First off, I can't decide who it looks more like. Will Ferrell?


Or Robbie the Robot?


Of course, the look is just one of the issues I've got with this thing. The next issue I've got is the marketing. If you go to the "official" website, you'll see that they not only give you a routine picture of the damn thing. They also decided they needed to give us the Scott Walker "money shot".



Is that really necessary? Do we really need to see a picture of the Scott Walker bobble-butt? Is ass quality an issue on bobbleheads? For cripes sake, it looks like they modeled the pose from a candid snapshot taken on the team's annual prostate check day. This sends a bad signal to the community, IMHO... Exactly which local demographic are we catering to for Scott Walker bobblehead night? I guess I need to check the RBC webcam to see if they've installed pink wallpaper in the concourse and a disco ball under the jumbotron for Monday night. [Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

Of course, they also gave us the side view, which tends to suggest that the thing might've been sponsored by Dulcolax. Push Scotty! Push! Or maybe it's sponsored by Goodberry's: "Come on... , ICE CREAM!!!" Take your pick:


Of course, the appearances aside, I also have an issue with the timing of the thing. First off, Scotty isn't likely to play, as he is having concussion issues. Second off, I think it's a bit karmically wrong to give away a bobblehead of a player with post-concussion syndrome. The irony is just vicious and it seems a bit insensitive to the player. Concussion - Shaky head. Concussion - Shaky head. Seriously? I mean, what's next? The Erik Cole:





Or maybe the Justin Williams?


Seriously, it's time we stamped out the practice of bobblehead promotions. They are evil and wrong and they are slowly corrupting our sons and daughters. The process starts out innocently enough with collecting just one sexually ambiguous Walker bobblehead. The next thing you know, they move on to the hard stuff - Ken Dolls - and with a little help from Barbie's closet, G.I. Joe becomes G.I. Josephine. And ultimately, you walk into your son's room, only to find him listening to Wham! and wearing leather pants. I tell you, these monstrosities must be outlawed as soon as possible. If it saves just one child from listening to Wham!, it'll all be worth it.

Who'll think of the children?

WHO'LL THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!

The Professional Chotchke Makers Union Must Be On Strike

I'm sure that most of our readers already know that I've got a thing about promo chotchkes. Specifically, I hate them; mainly because they are almost always cheesy. But when it comes to figurines and such, the Canes really take the cake. The above figurine is supposed to be Eric Staal. However, like the Brind'amour figurine from last year, this looks nothing like the actual player, but instead bears an uncanny resemblance to Erik Estrada or Ralph Macchio [with thanks to Cason Blog for picking up on the Macchio resemblance...]. WTF? Is it that hard to make a figurine that resembles Eric Staal? Jeez, if you can make one that looks like Ralph Macchio, how hard could it be to make one that looks like Eric Staal? Hell, for that matter, why can't they just make one that doesn't look like Ralph-frigging-Macchio, for god's sake!

Worse, the designers of this monstrocity apparently chose what appears to be Staal's signature pose after scoring a goal. I say "appears to be" because I haven't seen it enough this year to confirm that this is indeed that pose. In fact, I find it ironic that this is the pose they chose for this year. Didn't we just pay him $7 million a year not to score much anymore? It sure seems that way. Maybe they should've gone with the "I've got my money, so piss off" pose:





Maybe that is a bit unfair. After all, everything I hear in the media is about how Staal may not be scoring, but he is doing all these other little things (that we mere peons can't see or appreciate) so well that it somehow makes up for us not scoring goals and therefore losing hockey games. But that's another story altogether.*

So back to the chotchke. When I first saw this, I got that nagging feeling that you get when you see something reminds you of something else, but you just can't place what it is. Maybe it is someone you know or some incident from your past. As I had that thought, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I knew where I'd seen that face before:


Yep. It looks just like the face of those cheap blow-up sex dolls that hang on the wall behind the counter of every sleazy 'adult novelty' and peepshow store you've ever been in. Or at least it looks just like the ones hanging on the wall behind the counter of every 'adult novelty' and peepshow store that I've ever been in. The resemblance is uncanny.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "How many sleazy porn huts have you been in, East?" Well, the truth is, I've been to one or two in my time. It's not that I'm a bad person, mind you. It's just that College, Alcohol and an optimistic (though misdirected) spirit of adventure often conspired to lead me into places and situations that still amaze and astound me to this very day. But truth be told, the image of the blow-up doll face was burned into my brain on my very first foray into the seedy underworld of low rent porn shacks. I won't tell the entire story here, because it does not relate to hockey in any way, shape, form or fashion. But suffice it to say that the image of that doll face is burned into my brain because it was the first thing I saw upon entering my first sleazy porn shack, and it was the last thing I saw before the great big guy behind the counter grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and the waist of my bluejeans and threw me face first out the door and into a rock parking lot. Total time from entry to ejection: 18 seconds. It might've been a record; I don't know. But I digress...

I guess I just find it funny that it seems like every chotchke that this team comes up with (the Macchio-Brindy figurine, the defective car flags and now this) seems to be problematic or otherwise humorous in some fashion. Or maybe I'm just too critical. But just once, I'd like to see a figurine or bobblehead from this team that actually resembled a player and didn't look like Chachi from "Happy Days". But apparently that'll never happen, unless JR trades Scott Walker for Scott Baio.

Come to think of it, considering JR's decision to re-hire Mo, a Scott Baio trade might not be so far fetched after all...


[*Historically, whenever I've bitched about Staal slumping, he has usually broken out shortly thereafter. So, I'm piling on him right now. Unfair? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely...]