All Things Hockey In The Carolinas

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Politics of Bobbleheads

As you all already know, I really hate bobbleheads. In fact, by now you probably think I have some weird sort of obsessive/compulsive, Paula Abdul stalker kinda thing about bobbleheads. But, I assure you I don't. I just don't like them. They are creepy.

But having said that, I simply can't resist breaking down the bobbleheads/figurines/chotchkes that the Canes give away. Mainly because it is so easy and fun to do. However, about a week or two ago, I sat down to analyze the Cam Ward bobblehead. At the outset, I took a look at the picture of the thing:

I stared at it for about a second and a half and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew EXACTLY who that bobblehead was modeled after. It was unmistakable. It was uncanny. But it couldn't be. It just couldn't. But oh holy shit it was! It is beyond doubt. That's not Cam Ward. It's Barack-frigging-Obama!

Tell me it ain't? You can't!!!

Now if it'd been anyone but Obama, I might've been able to chalk this up to some one in a million coincidence. But, when I went to photochop the damn graphic above, it was a perfect match. Seriously, I cut out a picture of Obama, and pasted it over the bobblehead Cam-face and it fit perfectly without any alterations. Even the ears matched up perfect. Just like Disney hides pictures of tits and weiners in their kiddie movies, somebody tried to slip this one past us. And initially, I thought this was a brilliant coup d'etat. I mean, come on! They put out an Obama hockey bobblehead! That is a pretty slick joke. But...

The more I thought about it, the lamer it got. And here's why: They were lazy. They didn't develop the plan far enough. And as a result, they missed a bundle of punchlines. It could've been sweeter than Yoo-Hoo. But they fell short. If I were in charge of designing surrepticiously political-oriented bobbleheads, I'd have knocked this one out of the park. How so? Allow me to 'splain it to you:

First off, there's no symmetry here. Barack Obama as a goalie? It's just wrong. It's too random. It makes no sense. Nobody is gullible enough to believe that. How the hell can you try to pass off Barack Obama as a goalie, when the whole world knows he's a left winger?

This got me to thinking. What if they modeled all the bobbleheads after political figures? What would you come up with? For me it was easy. I already knew the perfect political fantasy lineup:

This is a no brainer. Can there be any better prototypical left winger than Che' Guevara? Of course not. Look at that playoff beard and Mexi-mullet. He'd have rocked in the NHL. And judging from the number of people he apparently sent to the firing squads, you know he'd have to have a pretty wicked shot. Yes, I know... When you look at the numbers, Stalin was a more prolific shooter, but he just doesn't have the appeal that Che' does with the younger demographic. Nowadays, the NHL is all about marketing. And with Che's track record with T-Shirt sales, you know that dude would move a mountain of replica jerseys. The dude is money in the bank!
Imagine the confidence of streaking down the ice, with Uncle Jesse on your wing. He's the ultimate right winger. Sure, he'd never be a natural scorer like John F. Kennedy (LW) was; but the guy knew how to get results. He would win every single faceoff. And unlike John Edwards (LW), he would never get kicked out of the faceoff circle for cheating. Of course, he'd be less successful defensively now that the league has done away with obstruction. But back in the day, he'd have been a one-man neutral zone trap. In fact, with his record of blocking things, he could probably even play goal. But either way, you know he'd always have your back. Unless you are Anson Carter, but that's another story altogether...

There's not much more you could say about McCain. He is about as close a thing to center that we've seen in quite a while. Overall, he'd be a hard, dependable worker. And he could play well with most anybody. You need guys like that on your team. The only problem you'd have with him is that if he ever took a penalty, it'd get pretty damn ugly. After his time spent in the Hanoi Hilton, you sure as hell wouldn't want to be the unlucky ref that tried to put him in the box.

And finally, your goalie would be Hillary Clinton. Nothing deters scoring like that face. I mean, who in their right mind would want to score on that? In fact, nobody in their right mind would even go near her crease. So she'd be a natural in goal. Of course, this leads us to the logical question to wrap up this post: If Hillary Clinton was an NHL goalie, who would her ironic bobblehead look like?

Monica Lewinsky perhaps? Think of the possibilities...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Random Thoughts as Spring tries to spring

Neglect: to pay little or no attention to

Sure I've neglected COI but this gig pays so well ya know...

- Pray to Great Oden's Raven that the Devils and Marty Brodeur take care of business against Chicago tonight. Get that damn record out of the way and go out and celebrate tonight! Get plastered drunk, all of you! You deserve it! Hockey game in Raleigh the next day? What hockey game in Raleigh?

-After what seems like 5 straight weeks of rain in the Raleigh area - the sun attempted to come out today. It apparently is supposed to be a beautiful Spring-like day tomorrow so if you can get out and tailgate - DO IT and enjoy!

-plz2be checking out the new digs for Barry Melrose Rocks over at Bloguin. So orange, yet so refreshing.

If anyone of you know who is responsible for this gem:
Please fess up or shoot me an email at Brilliant stuff.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Coming Soon to an Ebay Store Near You: The Scott Walker Bobblehead!

Just when you thought it was over. Just when you thought we'd played this theme out. We had to go back to the well. Not that I like doing it. But sometimes, it is necessary.

As everyone knows, I hate bobbleheads. I mean, I seriously hate bobbleheads. Maybe I just don't get the concept, but I find them creepy at best, and deeply disturbing at worst. But the main thing that bothers me is that you never see a bobblehead that actually resembles the player it is meant to imitate. Could it be that Todd McFarlane has copyrighted all the major sports stars' likenesses for his evil sports figurine empire, and therefore, the bobblehead manufacturers guild is forced to actively ensure that a player's bobblehead does not, in fact, resemble said player? I do not know the answer to this question. But as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, a bobblehead never looks like it's subject.

And that brings us to the topic at hand: The Scott Walker bobblehead. I thought it couldn't get any worse than the Eric Staal bobblehead, and I was right. But, this one also leaves a lot to be desired. First off, I can't decide who it looks more like. Will Ferrell?

Or Robbie the Robot?

Of course, the look is just one of the issues I've got with this thing. The next issue I've got is the marketing. If you go to the "official" website, you'll see that they not only give you a routine picture of the damn thing. They also decided they needed to give us the Scott Walker "money shot".

Is that really necessary? Do we really need to see a picture of the Scott Walker bobble-butt? Is ass quality an issue on bobbleheads? For cripes sake, it looks like they modeled the pose from a candid snapshot taken on the team's annual prostate check day. This sends a bad signal to the community, IMHO... Exactly which local demographic are we catering to for Scott Walker bobblehead night? I guess I need to check the RBC webcam to see if they've installed pink wallpaper in the concourse and a disco ball under the jumbotron for Monday night. [Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

Of course, they also gave us the side view, which tends to suggest that the thing might've been sponsored by Dulcolax. Push Scotty! Push! Or maybe it's sponsored by Goodberry's: "Come on... , ICE CREAM!!!" Take your pick:

Of course, the appearances aside, I also have an issue with the timing of the thing. First off, Scotty isn't likely to play, as he is having concussion issues. Second off, I think it's a bit karmically wrong to give away a bobblehead of a player with post-concussion syndrome. The irony is just vicious and it seems a bit insensitive to the player. Concussion - Shaky head. Concussion - Shaky head. Seriously? I mean, what's next? The Erik Cole:

Or maybe the Justin Williams?

Seriously, it's time we stamped out the practice of bobblehead promotions. They are evil and wrong and they are slowly corrupting our sons and daughters. The process starts out innocently enough with collecting just one sexually ambiguous Walker bobblehead. The next thing you know, they move on to the hard stuff - Ken Dolls - and with a little help from Barbie's closet, G.I. Joe becomes G.I. Josephine. And ultimately, you walk into your son's room, only to find him listening to Wham! and wearing leather pants. I tell you, these monstrosities must be outlawed as soon as possible. If it saves just one child from listening to Wham!, it'll all be worth it.

Who'll think of the children?


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stat Fail!

Since when do wingers have save percentages?


Ad Placement FAIL

(N&O 3/5- yes that's today)
"Oooh look kids, if we go to the hockey game on Friday night we'll see that good looking Justin Williams!! I know times are tough - but you kids have been good so I'll reward you with seeing your favorite player!!"

Ad Placement FAIL
Irony WIN

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Erik Cole traded back to Carolina - becomes 87th former player to return

So much for that Erik Cole to Boston rumor. (photo: Edmonton Journal)
I was never quite comfortable seeing him in this jersey and apparently neither was he. Today in somewhat of a surprise move, Erik Cole was returned to his comfort zone in Raleigh via a trade with the Oilers. In went down like this hee-aah:

CAR: Justin Williams to LA Kings for Patrick O'Sullivan and a draft pick.
EDM: Erik Cole and a pick to Carolina for Patrick O'Sullivan. Edmonton then used the pick that Carolina traded via LA and acquired Ales Kotalik from Buffalo.

That's not confusing at all is it?

I say that is was somewhat of a surprise move in that it was done at the last second before the 3:00 PM trading cutoff. Also, JR had said all along that nobody was expecting much to stir up in regards to trades before the deadline. What is NOT surprising at all is that an X-Cane is back with the team (see Vasicek, Cullen, Bayda, hell - even Coach Mo).

Why this trade might work out:

Erik Cole was Eric Staal's roommate on the road and usually was on Staal's wing. With the bull-rushing Cole back on a line with his BFF Staal - it could obviously increase both players production levels.

#26 is a rare Hurricanes system guy that was drafted and his play only got better as the team did.

Jimmy Boy Rutherford obviously thinks that Cole will re-sign in the summer with Carolina for LESS than the $4 million per he's been getting.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side is it? Although he was traded away over the summer - the general assumption was that Carolina couldn't afford to re-sign him as an UFA.

Why the trade might not work out:

Erik has been healthy all season as an Oiler - something that he rarely could do as a Cane. If he misses anytime in the remaining season due to injury than you could consider this a lost cause.

All of a sudden, Cole is 30 years of age and will be 31 in November. Being 31 in regards to the rest of the league's age is like being an antique.

His point production was down this year. Partly because he never fit in Oil Country and partly because of "off again - on again" effort that was one of his only downfalls.

Only time will tell how things will pan out. There will be a "Farewell Justin Williams" post within a few days time. For now, Welcome Home Erik and Go Canes!

Trade Deadline LIVE BLOGTACULAR at BMR today

Head on over to today for an entertaining and off-the-wall perspective on the wheelings and dealings of Hockey Rumo(u)rs Christmas Day. While I won't be partaking in the live-blogging because of a real job and all, I'll be lurking like stink on a turd.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What's The Use Of Worrying About Making the Playoffs?

Over on Canes Now N&O Blog, Chip is "reading between the lines to translate Rutherford's comments about trade rumors":

Myself, I predict no trades for most of the reasons pointed out in the blog entry. No one person is going to propel this team up the standings and selling off is probably not a possibility as there are not many options available.

Rutherford said:
"We have a team certainly capable of making the playoffs."
"We have as good a chance of making the playoffs as any of the teams we're fighting with."

I will agree with the first statement, but recent play has surely shown we can't fight the winners if we can't beat the losers.

If we did make the playoffs, what are the odds we would get very far? I say slim.
How much revenue will we generate for the few games we play? Not much.
How many STH'ers do we retain or gain new? That is the tough one. I am planning to renew.

So I ask, What is the use of worrying about it and all the speculation around trades and such. We have a team capable if they played to their potential but just when you think the corner is turned, another let down.

I have mentally prepared myself for another short season. Sadly, my beer glass is half empty.

On the plus side, maybe some of the guys will play golf with me!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

2009 Trade Deadline 'n stuff

I'll be spending the small amount of free time for blogging this week at Barry Melrose Rocks as we satirize all the trades, rumors and rumours happenings (or make up our own stories and pretend).
Maybe if you bug him enough, East Of Here will make a dramatic entrance at some point with a story of his new baby.

@theHurricanesTeam: The black helicopters are preparing for landing at the RBC after Saturday's loss to the NHL worst Atlanta Thrashers. Face palm.