All Things Hockey In The Carolinas

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Politics of Bobbleheads

As you all already know, I really hate bobbleheads. In fact, by now you probably think I have some weird sort of obsessive/compulsive, Paula Abdul stalker kinda thing about bobbleheads. But, I assure you I don't. I just don't like them. They are creepy.

But having said that, I simply can't resist breaking down the bobbleheads/figurines/chotchkes that the Canes give away. Mainly because it is so easy and fun to do. However, about a week or two ago, I sat down to analyze the Cam Ward bobblehead. At the outset, I took a look at the picture of the thing:

I stared at it for about a second and a half and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew EXACTLY who that bobblehead was modeled after. It was unmistakable. It was uncanny. But it couldn't be. It just couldn't. But oh holy shit it was! It is beyond doubt. That's not Cam Ward. It's Barack-frigging-Obama!

Tell me it ain't? You can't!!!

Now if it'd been anyone but Obama, I might've been able to chalk this up to some one in a million coincidence. But, when I went to photochop the damn graphic above, it was a perfect match. Seriously, I cut out a picture of Obama, and pasted it over the bobblehead Cam-face and it fit perfectly without any alterations. Even the ears matched up perfect. Just like Disney hides pictures of tits and weiners in their kiddie movies, somebody tried to slip this one past us. And initially, I thought this was a brilliant coup d'etat. I mean, come on! They put out an Obama hockey bobblehead! That is a pretty slick joke. But...

The more I thought about it, the lamer it got. And here's why: They were lazy. They didn't develop the plan far enough. And as a result, they missed a bundle of punchlines. It could've been sweeter than Yoo-Hoo. But they fell short. If I were in charge of designing surrepticiously political-oriented bobbleheads, I'd have knocked this one out of the park. How so? Allow me to 'splain it to you:

First off, there's no symmetry here. Barack Obama as a goalie? It's just wrong. It's too random. It makes no sense. Nobody is gullible enough to believe that. How the hell can you try to pass off Barack Obama as a goalie, when the whole world knows he's a left winger?

This got me to thinking. What if they modeled all the bobbleheads after political figures? What would you come up with? For me it was easy. I already knew the perfect political fantasy lineup:

This is a no brainer. Can there be any better prototypical left winger than Che' Guevara? Of course not. Look at that playoff beard and Mexi-mullet. He'd have rocked in the NHL. And judging from the number of people he apparently sent to the firing squads, you know he'd have to have a pretty wicked shot. Yes, I know... When you look at the numbers, Stalin was a more prolific shooter, but he just doesn't have the appeal that Che' does with the younger demographic. Nowadays, the NHL is all about marketing. And with Che's track record with T-Shirt sales, you know that dude would move a mountain of replica jerseys. The dude is money in the bank!
Imagine the confidence of streaking down the ice, with Uncle Jesse on your wing. He's the ultimate right winger. Sure, he'd never be a natural scorer like John F. Kennedy (LW) was; but the guy knew how to get results. He would win every single faceoff. And unlike John Edwards (LW), he would never get kicked out of the faceoff circle for cheating. Of course, he'd be less successful defensively now that the league has done away with obstruction. But back in the day, he'd have been a one-man neutral zone trap. In fact, with his record of blocking things, he could probably even play goal. But either way, you know he'd always have your back. Unless you are Anson Carter, but that's another story altogether...

There's not much more you could say about McCain. He is about as close a thing to center that we've seen in quite a while. Overall, he'd be a hard, dependable worker. And he could play well with most anybody. You need guys like that on your team. The only problem you'd have with him is that if he ever took a penalty, it'd get pretty damn ugly. After his time spent in the Hanoi Hilton, you sure as hell wouldn't want to be the unlucky ref that tried to put him in the box.

And finally, your goalie would be Hillary Clinton. Nothing deters scoring like that face. I mean, who in their right mind would want to score on that? In fact, nobody in their right mind would even go near her crease. So she'd be a natural in goal. Of course, this leads us to the logical question to wrap up this post: If Hillary Clinton was an NHL goalie, who would her ironic bobblehead look like?

Monica Lewinsky perhaps? Think of the possibilities...