All Things Hockey In The Carolinas

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Red Dawn: What's that Russian Doing Here?

So JR went out and bought himself a Soviet Sniper. Is this a good thing? Or is this just window dressing? Either way, it's too early to tell. But, upon being prodded for my thoughts on the matter on the CanesCountry forum, I decided to be cautiously optimistic. And in the spirit of laziness, I will just cross post those thoughts [with a few retrospective edits] about the Samsonov acquisition:

Remarkably, I was on the fence about it, but leaning towards cautiously optimistic for several reasons. Just hear me out...

First, at half price, his salary wasn't that big a hit considering he's got to be better than Aucoin or Bayda.

Second, even if he can't score, he can at least skate with the puck, catch a pass, and make a pass (the little things the rest of our team has periodically forgotten how to do).

Third, he is in a pinch where he either performs, or is forever forgotten in this league. So, the odds are, he will at least give 110% effort; and that's more than we are getting from our superstars on a regular basis. If he wasn't willing to give the effort, then he probably would never have showed up to play for us in Boston in the first place.

Fourth, as long as Atlanta doesn't acquire a defenseman named "Delilahnov", we should have an advantage in the division. (Additional COI commentary: Someone pointed out that he currently has a shaved head. If this is the case, in keeping with my bad joke, he can only get stronger; so long as they keep him away from the clippers. I'd make him room with Commodore. That should do it.)

Fifth, we currently have more broken forwards than a bad transmission.

Sixth, how can I ever hope to make a movie inspired joke about a line called "the Big Letowski" line, if we don't have a white Russian?

Seventh, he was free. And free is generally good. Unless you are talking about hookers. Then, you should be suspicious. Very, very suspicious. Not that I'd know anything about that. I'm just saying...

Eighth, we've already got a German, a Czechoslovakian, a couple of Americans, a rash of Canadians, a Dubai-ian, a Swede, and a whatever the hell people from Minnesota are supposed to be. We needed a Russian because everybody knows that a wider range of diversity is a good thing. Now, if we only had Anson Carter and a token "Freedom" Canadian, we'd at least be EEOC compliant, if not unstoppable.

Ninth, the dude was sucking lately, and the Canes were sucking lately, so it seems like a match made in heaven.

Tenth, there's gotta be several dozen of those wannabe "trendsetter" fans, who are, as we speak, logged onto NHL-dot-com furiously trying to order the "first" Samsonov Canes jersey to complement their collection of "Hlavac", "Gove", "Storr", "Vrbata", and "whatever-other-obscure-flavor-of-the-week-player-we-managed-to-acquire" jerseys. And that is extra revenue for the team.

[Side note: I've got $5 (or a cup of coffee, the good third world exploitation stuff they sell at the kiosk) that says that within the next three 24-Game pack games (gotta allow time for shipping and handling), I can get a picture of one of these asshats at the RBC in their trendy new Samsonov Jersey and post it here.]