Ovechkin Eliminated from Playoffs; Bettman Cancels Remainder of 2008 NHL Playoffs; Awards Cup to Ottawa Senators Instead

Dateline: Toronto

In a move unprecedented in professional sports, the NHL today cancelled the remainder of the Stanley Cup Playoffs; opting instead to simply award the Stanley Cup to the Ottawa Senators next Tuesday. “Going forward, we just felt that this move was the best course for both the league and its fans”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "Without Ovechkin to look forward to, there's nothing left that's worth seeing. And without that magnificent Russian scoring machine, what will the NHL beat writers possibly write about. Who in their right mind would want to read a hockey article that wasn't all about the wonderful Ovechkin? Certainly not me..."

As for awarding the cup to Ottawa, Bettman said it just felt like the right thing to do. "They've got such talented players and they've worked so hard. You just feel bad for them. Plus, they are a Canadian team, so the vast majority of our fanbase will be somewhat pleased. Just think what would've happened to me if I'd just given the cup back to those NASCAR loving hicks in Carolina", remarked Bettman. "You'd find my burned out carcass nailed to a tree outside of Moose Twat, British Columbia if I'd done that. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give Lord Stanley's cereal bowl to those quiche eating surrender monkeys in Quebec either."

However, some NHL owners and General Managers were visibly outraged. “I think this really stinks”, said Cliff Fletcher, Interim General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. “If any team deserves to just be handed the Stanley Cup, it is the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s not like we have the talent to win it by ourselves. Jesus, our coach is Paul Maurice for god’s sake. But Ottawa? Their Captain is from Sweden and their Goaltender is friggin Swiss! I’d rather see my daughter in a whorehouse than see Daniel Alfredsson’s name on our cup.” Fletcher bristled at the suggestion that the Maple Leaf’s Captain was also Swedish. “That’s a lie! This is Mats Sundin you’re talking about! Sundin not Sedin! How dare you criticize Mats Sundin! Mats Sundin is as Canadian as baseball and apple pie. All he’s ever done is given his heart and soul to our beloved Maple Leafs, and you reward him by questioning his Canadian heritage? Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!!!” Future Maple Leafs GM Jim Rutherford had no comment on the cancellation, but did mutter something unintelligible about Peter Laviolette, a tire iron and a garbage dumpster.

Other General Managers were also perplexed by the move. “I don’t know how the league can just arbitrarily award the Stanley Cup to some team other than the Red Wings”, said Detroit General Manager Ken Holland. “If the cup belongs anywhere, it is in Detroit. It’s a natural fit: Detroit is known worldwide as ‘Hockey Town’. And this place is such a crime infested sh*thole, we could use any help we can get to take our residents’ mind off the high unemployment rate and the rest of their miserable existence. By the way, you aren’t going to print that last part are you?”

Montreal Canadiens coach Guy Carbonneau also weighed in strongly on the matter, saying: "Rezendez vous, parlez vous, voulez vous couche' avec moi, ce soi. Chateau Marcel Marceau escargot. Oui, oui mon cherie. Quiche vichyssoise! Inspector Clouseau. American pig dog! Ptooey!". He then smeared white makeup on his face, put on a black outfit with a striped shirt and funny hat, and tried to storm silently out of the room; but was thwarted when he encountered what appeared to be a very strong headwind. Unable to make headway, he became temporarily trapped in what might've been a glass box, before slowly pulling himself out of the room by means of an apparently invisible rope.

Oddly, Buffalo Sabres coach, Lindy Ruff’s response to the news was uncharacteristically calm: “This is B*llsh*T!!!” roared Ruff. “$#@%! *&%^, #*&#, *&%#ing bleep! We *&%#ing sucked way *&%#ing worse than those arrogant *&%#ing Ottawa Senators did! In fact, they were so *&%#ing arrogant they had *&%#ing champagne in their *&%#ing lockerroom before game four against the *&%#ing Penguins. They *&%#ing knew they were going to be awarded the *&%#ing cup. The league *&%#ing hates us. Everybody *&%#ing hates us. We get no *&%#ing respect. Their all out to get us. Well I'll just have somebody take out Spezza's knee or Heatley's achilles tendon and see how they *&%#ing like it. That's old time hockey right there. How Ottawa gets a cup without even putting a skate in the crease is beyond me. *&%# off and die!"

This unexpected cancellation comes on the immediate heels of the Philadelphia Flyer’s overtime, game-seven defeat of the Washington Capitals and the corresponding elimination of the NHL’s new poster boy Alexander Ovechkin. But despite increasingly strong outcries from the players and team executives to continue the playoffs as scheduled, the league remained firm in it’s position. “I mean, without Alexander Ovechkin in the mix, what’s the point”, said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sure, Sidney Crosby was still in the hunt, but he’s like so ‘last year’. That’s not to knock Sid or anything. He’s still got those juicy lips and a wicked wrist shot, but let’s face it; he’s no Alex Ovechkin. With that nut-hair beard and Russian accent, Ovi’s so dreamy I could just scream. And besides, given the NHL’s abysmal Nielson ratings, and the fact that Versus is only available in 16 U.S. households, it’s not like anybody will notice the difference anyway. ”

The Commissioner’s attempts to justify the action did little to allay the ire of angry team officials. “So this whole thing was because Gary went and got himself all butthurt that his Russian boy toy got eliminated?” stormed Leafs GM Fletcher. Well, we’ve got a Russian too, but I didn’t see that rat faced little bastard cancelling the season back in January when the Leafs were out of contention! Hell, you want Russian? How about Alexei Ponikarovsky? You can’t get anymore Russian than ‘Alexei Ponikarovsky’. Sh*t fire, I'll bet every one of you a shiny new quarter with a beaver on the back that you can't even pronounce Ponikarovsky! Hell, ‘Alexander’ could be damn near anything, except maybe Chinese or Korean. But Alexei? ... THAT’s pure Russian.” When asked his thoughts on Fletcher's Russian theory, Rutherford simply smiled and said, "Samsonov".

Meanwhile, the sporadic cable network Versus scrambled to fill its now vacant evening lineup. “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘scrambling’”, remarked Jamie Davis, President of Versus Network. “We’ve got plenty of PBR Bullriding footage that’s just begging to be aired. And we’ve got years of old Tour de France highlights that we can, uh... recycle, pardon the pun. While we here at Versus are deeply disappointed that we will not have any more exciting NHL action to broadcast this spring; we are excited about the huge increase in ratings that PBR Bullriding and pre-recorded European Bicycling are sure to garner in these time slots.”

Watch some Staal Brothers go at it - playoff style

In what should be a fantastic series, the NY Rangers & Pittsburgh Penguins being their best of 4 stint tonight at Mellon Arena. Whereas Jordan had a stellar rookie season last year in Pitt, brother Marc has had quite the first season as a Blueshirt.

Blogging for the Pens: Penguins That Fly

Blogging for the Ranjahs: Scotty Hockey

Stop by their respective sites for the goodness during this series.

Photo journal of the SC Stingrays playoff game

Be sure to check out Tapeleg's awesome photo recap of the SC Stingray's visit to the Gwinnett (GA) Gladiators for the ECHL playoffs.

Gwinnett vs. South Carolina - Jerseys & Hockey love

Karma comes back to bite Bryan Murray

Ottawa Senators GM/Coach Bryan Murray sent off Joe Corvo with a few choice insults during his trade to Carolina earlier this year. It was well documented throughout the MSM and blogosphere that he was being a bit of a bush-leaguer with his trash talking of former players. Now granted, Joe Corvo's performance in Ottawa was deserving of some criticism - but the way Mr. Murray skewed things in the press afterwards was just plain wrong.

“People like to talk hockey here and they live hockey. They don’t talk (hockey) in Raleigh very much. He’ll probably thrive in that environment and I like guys who thrive under pressure.”
(This isn't the first time the Senators have played that somewhat-odd card. Ottawa coach John Paddock has repeatedly mentioned that Martin Gerber flourished in Carolina because "they only have one beat writer.")

With his team coming off last year's appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, the Sens steamrolled to start the year going 15-2 with a team record opening win streak. As they began to slowly decline with inconsistent goal tending and on-again/off-again performances from their heavy hitters, Murray had to fire his coach John Paddock and "assume the position" back behind the bench. It did little to no good, as his supposedly brilliant (at the time) acquisitions of Mike Commodore and Cory Stillman only continued their downward spiral in Ottawa.

Though they at least made the playoffs, most people saw what was coming to them. They were stomped by a talented Pittsburgh squad this week in a 4-0 sweep. It could have been a lot worse from game to game if Martin Gerber hadn't of been standing on his head most nights. I did feel sorry for old friend Gerbs this week as he got little to no support from his teammates. I'm also extending the shoulder to cry on to our Sens friends Senators Lost Cojones & Sherry up at Scarlett Ice. I'll miss seeing their game recaps of doom this season.

At any rate I don't foresee Murray getting canned this summer by Ottawa ownership, but if the Sens come out flat next season, expect him to be on a very short leash.

Here'a a little something extra to cheer Murray up.

Hurricanes extend Samsonov, don't believe in defense

Not only was your boy Sergei Samsonov re-signed today at an affordable 3 year contract, two prospects were signed in Stefan Chaput & Nick Dodge. All three are wingers. That would make a house full of forwards in the Carolina organization now.

Gee it's a good thing the team is chocked full of starting and back up defenseman... not.

With little Brandon Sutter more than likely coming up next year with the big boys, the beer belly gas tank for a sex machine gut tells me that a trade will be happening to ship out some wingers this summer in exchange for a d-line that's not held together by dental floss and duct tape.

In any case, let's all just hope Sergei doesn't start tanking again like he did everywhere else after he signs a contract.

Charlotte Checkers fall to Gwinnett in playoffs

Despite an ass-kickin' new logo and the fact that this was their 3rd consecutive ECHL playoff appearance, the Checkers fell to the Gwinnett Gladiators in a series sweep last weekend, thus ending their 15th anniversary season. Hey, at least they made it to the playoffs...

How my buddy almost won the Hurricanes House Giveaway

Before the epic fail happened, we were all tailgating with excitement before the game not only for the chance at winning the Southeast, but also because our good friend and grill-master Bob was among the 100+ finalists to win the Hurricanes Home Giveaway. We felt good about his chances. I don't know what it was, we just somehow knew that luck would be on his side.

Prior to the puck drop that night, the team hosted a party for the finalists and gave them all tickets in the 3rd level for the game. During that party, they drew 10 names that would be bumped up to club level and would have a chance at winning the house during the 2nd intermission. We just knew it was his. His wife had even predicted that his name would be drawn 7th during the pre-game party.

Bob has a nice house as it is, so we just mentioned throwing a huge bash after he won then he'd sell it. We'd even invite the players and their families -- it would have been the party to end all parties.

But as the 10 final finalists walked up to their boxes on the ice, there were all white Canes jerseys in them with the winner having a red one in theirs. Sure enough, the woman standing right next to Bob ended up being the winner. What a bummer. I'm quite sure that Bob enjoyed seeing me and my friend ramp up the entire section 102 with chants of "BOB! BOB! BOB!" just before they all opened their boxes though. Valiant effort there, Bobby Boy.

(photo: Gregg Forwerck, Hurricanes.com)