"Dear Mr. Crosby,
We know you're badass and all. We've seen it. Seen the scoring a goal while standing on your head and baking an apple pie. We've seen your pink Reebok designs. We've YouTubed 'Sidney Crosby' and seen the numerous Canadian commercials where you are worshipped. Now that you're captain and all - would you mind laying down tonight and letting our boys win one? No? OK then, we'll just have to kick your asses then. My boy TIMAAAAY doesn't care about penalties, he'll just throw down. It'll be fun. Then, Jordan and Eric can go out and buy everyone drinks at Sullivan's tonight, K? Stick around, we'll all go to the World Beer Festival in Durham tomorrow - we'll send Trevor Letowski and some Albany River Rats to play the Caps Saturday, don't worry about it."